3 months

I feel it is appropriate to document where my head was at on Mother's Day. 

Three months ago today I had Ezraa. I don't think I could have ever been prepared for birth and submitted to it fully. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done and the most amazing and traumatizing event of my life. I would like to note- that when I use traumatizing it isn't a in a negative tone but rather one of an enlightening manner. A space time travel into a new realm of me- literally. Time travel/out of body experience. An epiphany born with her. I felt raw and new and as fragile and helpless as this new person that I made. Perhaps this is why we are so in sync. 

I feel so much love for my daughter- my heart could burst if I focused on it hard enough, I am certain. 

Every day is a surprise with this one. She is advancing and learning how to orchestrate her body with more control each day. I remember everyone telling me to cherish these times because they fly. I already feel as though I am being robbed as a.m. turns into p.m. and she leaves some helpless antic behind and conquers another inch of independence from my cradled arms. 

At 12 weeks I am feeling less hormonal, though, I do still cry from overwhelming pride when she looks at me and cracks that smile- or looks down at a toy and picks it up and puts it in her mouth like she has been doing it for years- or perhaps my new favorite... dozing off with her thumb in her mouth. We have officially figured each other out- I know her sounds as if they were words imbedded in my mind. Her wines or grunts speak to the core of me and I respond graciously. It has made our relationship seem almost effortless. 

She is a very easy lady to take care of and I find myself wondering if I should be struggling more from time to time. I know it can come off braggy but I would like to note that I realize how difficult babies can be so it comes from a sense of luck and appreciation and understanding that she is as good as she is. Ezraa is a very content baby for the most part and seems to trust us so much that hardly anything upsets her- she just goes with the flow and seems to just know that what we are doing is for her comfort and ease; from baths to changing to diapers- she never cries. It is a very rare occasion that she resorts to crying. I account most of this to the fact that we have finally found a common ground in communication. I know when she needs to burp or when she is hungry- when her teeth are hurting her or she is just exhausted. I know when she wants to stand and when I can lay her down and she will be content with it. It's made this stage of her life so enjoyable for me. I'd imagine that it is a symbiotic relationship most mother's and babies eventually come to enjoy. You don't read about these things in books like "What to expect when expecting".

In the beginning I was a fish out of water. Joel says I took to motherhood so naturally- but I remember feeding Ez one night after she was born and her arching her back and breaking the latch over and over. I was so frustrated because I didn't know what to do. Still recovering from an intense and fast natural labor - I cried and kept trying to introduce a latch. She was fighting me. I felt helpless and frustrated. He took her from me and changed her diaper and burped her- handed her back to me. She was so calm and fell asleep eating, so content.

What? They can break from feeding? She fusses it means a wet diaper? gas? OH! I was so busy trying to make sure she was fed I ignored all other reasons. 

As soon as I watched him I could breathe. So simple. Why didn't I think of that? 

Oh, I don't miss those days. The proverbial new momma blinders came off that moment. Soon after getting a feel of one another we became total dudes ... like these two. 

That is my girl- and I GET her. 

It feels good. Like no matter what profession I ever hold-- the success of smooth transitions with your growing baby is THE true sense of accomplishment- for now anyway. I know it only gets harder. And that's why I am enjoying her at three months and am loving spending my days around her schedule. After all, she is finally sleeping through the night so maybe that has a lot to do with it.

Also, now that she and I are at a comfortable stage I feel comfortable introducing new things into our routine. We are now on cloth diapers at home and it has actually been another smooth transition. A neighborhood momma gave me all I need for at home diapering to start off with - anyway and it is ruling thus far. I am all about saving 10 throw aways a day too. Adds up. 

I know everyone thinks their baby is the best, the smartest and the most interesting thing in the room. 

But dang. I'll follow the leader there- shamelessly. 

My favorite Ezraaisms this week:

She breaks a latch to look at me and straight up CHEESES and then continue eating. It is ADORABLE. Like she says "Hey momma- I luhh you."

She CONSTANTLY smiles and is now digging her head into my shoulder when people coo or make her laugh- acting shy? Are you kidding me? What a little person.

Joel will wave at her and she lifts her arm up to say high back. She is also mimicking sounds when we say vowels. J will yell out different sounds and she responds with similar grunts back. So interactive.

All homegirl wants to do is stand up. She is incredibly strong and follows conversations in a room with her eyes. Who ever is talking she is looking at.

It is obvious that she dreams now. She will wake up in a terror every blue moon with a cry that shatters my insides with franticness to console her. I pick her up and hold her so tight- broken hearted that she had a dream that would scare her that bad. What is she dreaming about?

She will let out a distinctive helpless desperate cry when she wants to be held by me- almost the only time she cries. It speaks to the core of me and I will hold her tight and tell her I am here. She continues to fake cry once she realizes it works and it makes me giggle so hard because it is her first little manipulative trait. I LOVE IT. She will wind down with a "uhhhhhh uhhhhhhh ohhhhhh"... breathing deal with a little smirk on her face. Faker.

Dang- I could keep going but I am so sleepy and kinda want to hold her now after all this reflecting.

It was a....happy Mother's Day.