to be continued.

Birthing plans are becoming less talk and more of a real thing as the weeks creep to an end. She is in the birthing position, "Engagement"- already and my Braxton-Hicks are happening about twice a day now. I have spent many of moments daydreaming about laboring at home and our experience at NFRMC. The hardest part has been telling myself to breathe and take everything slow. School ends in two weeks and then my little scheduled world slows down and I have nothing but time to nest and prepare for birth.
Bottom line is I am going to be practicing making up the perfect birth cocktail. Three parts fear, preparation and surrender.
I bought "Birthing from Within" and have really been enjoying reading what's inside. I haven't respected or fed into any of the books that I have been given/bought thus far. They seem so commercial and focused on the 95 percent of women who opt for the plan we don't have. It and my doula/birthing-class momma have given me great confidence in a natural birth and me as a woman. My body is mine. This baby is mine. This plan is mine. I am in control of it all. I tell myself this when the anxiety kicks in and it helps me... I feel ready. I can't possibly expect to be told how anything will go or even more so "the answers" by any book. People can accumulate data all day and tell you about birthing but not about ME. I am basically going to have to trust my body and judgements. I am going to fight and surrender to labor and the throes of this experience.
I wake up some mornings and think..."What if I went into labor today?" "do i know too little or prepared myself for - the plan- too much?" The fear kicks in and I worry that I haven't mentally prepared myself enough. Women have premature births everyday. But there is something in deep in me that KNOWS she won't come out until I am ready for it.
I saw her in Orlando and it blew my mind how much she grew since I got to see her last. When I lay I see her foot poke out of my stomach and it blows my mind. There's your foot! A tiny little bump poking up from my perfectly round belly to say hello.
When she moves now- the movements are no longer little flutters or bumps. It's full shifts and major belly altering drags across my abdomen. The wildest part is the fact that in the next nine weeks she will grow three times the size of what she is right now.

I am so tired my eyes are closing involuntarily.

The mind of the beginner is empty, free of the habits of the expert, ready to accept, to doubt, and open to all the possibilities.
- Shunryo Suzuki

4D sonogram

             SHE STUCK HER TONGUE OUT! 

30 weeks 10 more to go!

  Watch this conception to birth video:  click --->  Birth

Ezraa Update: 


"Your baby's about 15.7 inches long now, and she weighs almost 3 pounds (like a head of cabbage). A pint and a half of amniotic fluid surrounds her, but that volume will decrease as she gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus. Her eyesight continues to develop, though it's not very keen; even after she's born, she'll keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. When she does open them, she'll respond to changes in light but will have 20/400 vision — which means she can only make out objects a few inches from her face. As far away as a mother's breast to her face" 

RAHHH!

Birthday baby

Birthdays are supposed to be a significant day where people celebrate you being alive, born...in their life. A moment of living silence in celebration to honor the day you came into the world. The excitement fades as the years progress and I have found myself forgetting that it is so close over and over. This year seems rare. Maybe for once because I have this strange honor of bring my own little girl into the world. I keep thinking. You will be almost 31 weeks when I'm 26. And the only thing I want to do is SEE what I feel such a close connection to.

It is stranger than anything I have experienced before- the want for her. I have wanted someone around when I am lonely, their touch and silly antics to enrich my day and heart. I dated Joel long distance for several months and I craved his touch and simple company. To hear him call me "sugah" in his nurturing way.

But this is a strange new want, that stems from so many places I have yet to analyze or even comprehend where it comes from, is ever so prevalent. A deep maternal animalistic place that is mine and mine alone. Protected and savored.

To feel something growing in you- a life that you rely on for reassurance and comfort- will be here in 9 weeks.

No longer protected from the world. No longer silenced or safe from a literal world of pain and risk. So- you begin as it comes close to this end of the cycle, to want her. To see her face and grasp how real she is. She makes faces and smiles in there. To keep her safe and revert back to a child who doesn't wish to share the birthday present at her party with friends.

So I can think of nothing more perfect than this specific birthday. I know I will never forget it because this present is all mine for this little bit longer. Sure she is Joel's- always. But this bond we have- how she always manages too move or kick when I need her to cheer me up- the dreams I have where I know she knows what I felt. How the only constant thing she has heard has been my heartbeat. That's ours.

So for this birthday I'm going to see her. We are going to Orlando to get a 4d sonogram and have one last little vacation together- as we are- before she comes.

Some people say it is a waste of money because you see them when they are born... Or the 95 dollars is too much money. And that's THEIR excuse they can have. But for me- to see her in me one last time is worth the drive, time, money, and shitty traffic in Orlando.

I can't wait.

whale sounds and tiny kicks

She ate good today

Ezraa & I went hiking today

We went to the Paynes Prarie State Park and drive through Micanopy and SR 234. I packed some apples and water, my Diana Mini 35mm, iPod, and my Kodak digital. I was walking the trails and saw deer walk so close to me it was like a dream. We just stood there and stared at one another for what seemed like five minutes until they walked off with approval.

 Today was one of those days where words don't need to exist and you feel lucky to be alive and a part of it all. I tugged my pregnant butt through trails and up swaying watch towers to sit and take in the earth. 

Today was good.