Birthdays are supposed to be a significant day where people celebrate you being alive, born...in their life. A moment of living silence in celebration to honor the day you came into the world. The excitement fades as the years progress and I have found myself forgetting that it is so close over and over. This year seems rare. Maybe for once because I have this strange honor of bring my own little girl into the world. I keep thinking. You will be almost 31 weeks when I'm 26. And the only thing I want to do is SEE what I feel such a close connection to.
It is stranger than anything I have experienced before- the want for her. I have wanted someone around when I am lonely, their touch and silly antics to enrich my day and heart. I dated Joel long distance for several months and I craved his touch and simple company. To hear him call me "sugah" in his nurturing way.
But this is a strange new want, that stems from so many places I have yet to analyze or even comprehend where it comes from, is ever so prevalent. A deep maternal animalistic place that is mine and mine alone. Protected and savored.
To feel something growing in you- a life that you rely on for reassurance and comfort- will be here in 9 weeks.
No longer protected from the world. No longer silenced or safe from a literal world of pain and risk. So- you begin as it comes close to this end of the cycle, to want her. To see her face and grasp how real she is. She makes faces and smiles in there. To keep her safe and revert back to a child who doesn't wish to share the birthday present at her party with friends.
So I can think of nothing more perfect than this specific birthday. I know I will never forget it because this present is all mine for this little bit longer. Sure she is Joel's- always. But this bond we have- how she always manages too move or kick when I need her to cheer me up- the dreams I have where I know she knows what I felt. How the only constant thing she has heard has been my heartbeat. That's ours.
So for this birthday I'm going to see her. We are going to Orlando to get a 4d sonogram and have one last little vacation together- as we are- before she comes.
Some people say it is a waste of money because you see them when they are born... Or the 95 dollars is too much money. And that's THEIR excuse they can have. But for me- to see her in me one last time is worth the drive, time, money, and shitty traffic in Orlando.
I can't wait.
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