Days away from 6 months ago...

My girl is almost six months old. A Half of a year has flown by and it blows my mind how much she has turned into a little person before my eyes.

I can't express how happy of a kid she is. Always smiling and being silly. She has no problem expressing herself. The older she gets- the less I want to go to work. Going back after only three weeks of maternity leave was both challenging and necessary for our fiscal stability and my own personal emotional and mental stability. Now, as she develops or taps into some new facet that is Ezraa, I fear to miss any milestone that may be right around the corner.

Today we were sitting in her play area and I was reading a baby sign language book while she jabbered away- sitting next to her jumper. (what would we do without that thing)!?! I look up to see her raise her hands up- one on each support bar and pull herself up into a standing position with such grace and ease. I was so shocked and proud- utterly flattered to have witnessed such a simple human task that I busted out into laughter and the blubbery exclamation..."well look at that"! It startled her and she fell to her butt and looked at my with a huge grin. It was and will be imprinted in my top 5 favorite moments, thus far.

Many hundreds of pictures and videos have been taken since my last update but here are a few in the spirit of smiles and keeping this blog alive.

3 months

I feel it is appropriate to document where my head was at on Mother's Day. 

Three months ago today I had Ezraa. I don't think I could have ever been prepared for birth and submitted to it fully. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done and the most amazing and traumatizing event of my life. I would like to note- that when I use traumatizing it isn't a in a negative tone but rather one of an enlightening manner. A space time travel into a new realm of me- literally. Time travel/out of body experience. An epiphany born with her. I felt raw and new and as fragile and helpless as this new person that I made. Perhaps this is why we are so in sync. 

I feel so much love for my daughter- my heart could burst if I focused on it hard enough, I am certain. 

Every day is a surprise with this one. She is advancing and learning how to orchestrate her body with more control each day. I remember everyone telling me to cherish these times because they fly. I already feel as though I am being robbed as a.m. turns into p.m. and she leaves some helpless antic behind and conquers another inch of independence from my cradled arms. 

At 12 weeks I am feeling less hormonal, though, I do still cry from overwhelming pride when she looks at me and cracks that smile- or looks down at a toy and picks it up and puts it in her mouth like she has been doing it for years- or perhaps my new favorite... dozing off with her thumb in her mouth. We have officially figured each other out- I know her sounds as if they were words imbedded in my mind. Her wines or grunts speak to the core of me and I respond graciously. It has made our relationship seem almost effortless. 

She is a very easy lady to take care of and I find myself wondering if I should be struggling more from time to time. I know it can come off braggy but I would like to note that I realize how difficult babies can be so it comes from a sense of luck and appreciation and understanding that she is as good as she is. Ezraa is a very content baby for the most part and seems to trust us so much that hardly anything upsets her- she just goes with the flow and seems to just know that what we are doing is for her comfort and ease; from baths to changing to diapers- she never cries. It is a very rare occasion that she resorts to crying. I account most of this to the fact that we have finally found a common ground in communication. I know when she needs to burp or when she is hungry- when her teeth are hurting her or she is just exhausted. I know when she wants to stand and when I can lay her down and she will be content with it. It's made this stage of her life so enjoyable for me. I'd imagine that it is a symbiotic relationship most mother's and babies eventually come to enjoy. You don't read about these things in books like "What to expect when expecting".

In the beginning I was a fish out of water. Joel says I took to motherhood so naturally- but I remember feeding Ez one night after she was born and her arching her back and breaking the latch over and over. I was so frustrated because I didn't know what to do. Still recovering from an intense and fast natural labor - I cried and kept trying to introduce a latch. She was fighting me. I felt helpless and frustrated. He took her from me and changed her diaper and burped her- handed her back to me. She was so calm and fell asleep eating, so content.

What? They can break from feeding? She fusses it means a wet diaper? gas? OH! I was so busy trying to make sure she was fed I ignored all other reasons. 

As soon as I watched him I could breathe. So simple. Why didn't I think of that? 

Oh, I don't miss those days. The proverbial new momma blinders came off that moment. Soon after getting a feel of one another we became total dudes ... like these two. 

That is my girl- and I GET her. 

It feels good. Like no matter what profession I ever hold-- the success of smooth transitions with your growing baby is THE true sense of accomplishment- for now anyway. I know it only gets harder. And that's why I am enjoying her at three months and am loving spending my days around her schedule. After all, she is finally sleeping through the night so maybe that has a lot to do with it.

Also, now that she and I are at a comfortable stage I feel comfortable introducing new things into our routine. We are now on cloth diapers at home and it has actually been another smooth transition. A neighborhood momma gave me all I need for at home diapering to start off with - anyway and it is ruling thus far. I am all about saving 10 throw aways a day too. Adds up. 

I know everyone thinks their baby is the best, the smartest and the most interesting thing in the room. 

But dang. I'll follow the leader there- shamelessly. 

My favorite Ezraaisms this week:

She breaks a latch to look at me and straight up CHEESES and then continue eating. It is ADORABLE. Like she says "Hey momma- I luhh you."

She CONSTANTLY smiles and is now digging her head into my shoulder when people coo or make her laugh- acting shy? Are you kidding me? What a little person.

Joel will wave at her and she lifts her arm up to say high back. She is also mimicking sounds when we say vowels. J will yell out different sounds and she responds with similar grunts back. So interactive.

All homegirl wants to do is stand up. She is incredibly strong and follows conversations in a room with her eyes. Who ever is talking she is looking at.

It is obvious that she dreams now. She will wake up in a terror every blue moon with a cry that shatters my insides with franticness to console her. I pick her up and hold her so tight- broken hearted that she had a dream that would scare her that bad. What is she dreaming about?

She will let out a distinctive helpless desperate cry when she wants to be held by me- almost the only time she cries. It speaks to the core of me and I will hold her tight and tell her I am here. She continues to fake cry once she realizes it works and it makes me giggle so hard because it is her first little manipulative trait. I LOVE IT. She will wind down with a "uhhhhhh uhhhhhhh ohhhhhh"... breathing deal with a little smirk on her face. Faker.

Dang- I could keep going but I am so sleepy and kinda want to hold her now after all this reflecting.

It was a....happy Mother's Day.

not a quote liker. but I like this quote.

Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.- Plato

for all those frustrating times...for the both of us. 

Treats

I am so in love with ezraa. She is amazing and I hope everyone can experience having this kind of love, when ready, because nothing compares. Nothing.

Work it

Working out ... Finding the time has proven to be easier said than done. I definitely have to plan for it and still take it easy- which is also easier said. I have worked out at home but find I struggle with becoming easily distracted by the domestic duties that beg for my OCD ways. I need to separate myself from the house, my role as momma and list of tasks and focus on my body. Dedicate an hour a day to me and recovering from my waffle filled pregnancy. So gym membership, here I come!

Breastfeeding helped me lose a ton of the weigh but now my skin is left begging for a fixin.

With a mix of P90x, Brazil butt lift videos, gym and running-- I should be back soon.

Firsts for my first!

Ezraa had a big day yesterday and of course is a pro. I introduced her to baby yoga and she was so cooperative and patient/ open and trusting to the positions I put her in. We practice holding her head up but this was really fun to watch her react to. She is vocalizing a lot. Joel says she likes the way it feels on her throat. So she was staring at me while I had her on my knees and in the air and making calm humming noises the entire time. She is 15 days old and better at yoga than me. Go figure.

We also gave her the first bath- in her tiny personal whale tub. I let Joel give it to her since a breastfeeding consultant suggested that be a way for him and Ezraa to bond until we begin with bottle feeding. She was so calm and just let us do our thing! No crying fits or anything! Joel was a natural especially for saying "sooo how do we do this?" right before putting her in there. After, we wrapped her up in a super cute shark towel and brought her into the room to put on her nighttime deal & she gave me a face I knew all too well- but completely paralyzed me... And took a huge liquidy poop all over the towel seeping through onto my jeans. We just laughed, grabbed the camera for the memories and brought her back in for another quick rinse down. She passed out immediately after. Home girl was RELAXED. Lesson learned for us.

Joel got a sweet promotion but it still comes with the nasty tasks like covering the staff's duties- that he manages- if one quits or does not show. Last night we decided to run a paper route together as a family that he was rearranging for a future carrier. It was a big one so I brought the pump and a bottle along just in case sleeping beauty woke up and was hungry. I pumped in the car because I was hurting from how full the ladies were. I sat in the back seat with Ezraa and once done- without discussing it with Joel gave her the bottle to see what she would do. She laid in the carseat with it in her mouth but it just instantly put her to sleep. She didn't suck once. It didn't surprise me because she won't take a pacifier either. I figured- eh, it was worth a try.

We were planning on giving her the bottle next week- I can stress about it then. When we got home she was up and ready to eat. My breast were so sore from the days long feedings so I reached at one last attempt. BOOM. She took to it like a champ. She was almost a little greedy with it- at one point grunting with frustration that enough was not coming out- which later was just her fighting sleep. I was so happy with her killing the bottle. Later this morning I breastfed her and she took perfectly to it per usual. ( some people say introducing a bottle too soon can disrupt a latch with breastfeeding) but she was on point with everything and roles with the punches. She has made being a parent so much fun and easy so far. I am fascinated by her personality and daily growth both physically and developmentally.

I am obsessed with my girl and swell with pride at things no one cares about. I suppose that's being a momma.

Also, my bald child is sloooowly growing hairs!!! :) monk- too!!

I am a mother.

Well. It is there in print. Here on my chest, in little squeals, to remind me. I am a mother. I have a daughter. The proud and overwhelming cry sessions still haven't stopped. I look at her laying on Joel's chest asleep and cant believe how lucky I am. I have a family. I made that beautiful innocent baby and she couldn't be anymore amazing.

My love for her grows daily and I am becoming an expert on my girl. It amazes me, the communication gap that is prevalent yet- a deeper level of understanding we are getting up on. It has taken us a few nights to figure out her ways. Why won't she latch? Probably the diaper or or gas- working on something.

A clean diaper = a clean feed.

Breastfeeding is going so well for something that was the last thing I invested my time in educating us about. My neighbor Mary came through with a fantastic book on breastfeeding- from general information to pumping to tricks. She also gave me a hand pump which I began using a few nights ago after I feed her. She loaded me up with glass bottles and caps and I invested in Modela storage containers. Our freezer is beginning its stock pile. We wont be introducing the bottle to her for a few more weeks because we want a secure latch and commitment to the breast but as much as I love and respect the bond that Ezraav and I have-- I am looking forward to Joel enjoying feeding her and feeling that bond. (not to mention sleeping through a feed)

In the beginning I was a bit frustrated with having to be up all night feeding her and changing her diapers too. --Looking over to an exhausted and sound asleep Joel. Not to mention literally being with her/the non stop pampering (with the exception for an hour and a half) since the day she was born. But he has picked up his game without me saying a word and has taught me a thing or two about what she needs. There were nights where she just rooted and grunted but wouldn't latch. I would cry with frustration and helplessness and he would take her. Burp or change her- problem solved. I felt stupid like " Why couldn't I see something so clear". But I was so consumed with her being fed that his outside perspective made for a perfect team for a happy EZ.

With hormone changes my body is going through amazing and fast paced changes. It has left me with massive weight loss and migraines. No matter how easy I take it- well I eat- the fact is the hormone shifts can cause migraines. I had a mega reality check when I had to care for her when I was losing vision in my right eye- pounding skull and vomiting - by myself all day. I had never even considered being sick and having to care for a baby. It was so difficult and trying.
But the amazing thing about labor is once you experience that level of pain and acknowledge the fact that you conquered it- survived it. The life pains suddenly aren't so bad. Some how it is the universe saying you went through this- this isn't so bad.

Ezraa has been for the most part a very very easy infant. The usual-- calm demeanor and sleep, poop routine. But today both Joel and I noticed major developmental growth & as silly as it is it impresses me - even though it is so minuscule and normal. She is grasping things now with control- a stray diaper...grabbing it and throwing it. She also is finding my nipple without me having to guide her head there. She is adjusting her body when uncomfortable and using her hand/tell-signs when she wants to eat before she attempts to cry. I am very happy with the choice not to swaddle because it has proven to be an effective way for her to communicate with me. She is also very trusting and content in almost any position.