not a quote liker. but I like this quote.

Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.- Plato

for all those frustrating times...for the both of us. 

Treats

I am so in love with ezraa. She is amazing and I hope everyone can experience having this kind of love, when ready, because nothing compares. Nothing.

Work it

Working out ... Finding the time has proven to be easier said than done. I definitely have to plan for it and still take it easy- which is also easier said. I have worked out at home but find I struggle with becoming easily distracted by the domestic duties that beg for my OCD ways. I need to separate myself from the house, my role as momma and list of tasks and focus on my body. Dedicate an hour a day to me and recovering from my waffle filled pregnancy. So gym membership, here I come!

Breastfeeding helped me lose a ton of the weigh but now my skin is left begging for a fixin.

With a mix of P90x, Brazil butt lift videos, gym and running-- I should be back soon.

Firsts for my first!

Ezraa had a big day yesterday and of course is a pro. I introduced her to baby yoga and she was so cooperative and patient/ open and trusting to the positions I put her in. We practice holding her head up but this was really fun to watch her react to. She is vocalizing a lot. Joel says she likes the way it feels on her throat. So she was staring at me while I had her on my knees and in the air and making calm humming noises the entire time. She is 15 days old and better at yoga than me. Go figure.

We also gave her the first bath- in her tiny personal whale tub. I let Joel give it to her since a breastfeeding consultant suggested that be a way for him and Ezraa to bond until we begin with bottle feeding. She was so calm and just let us do our thing! No crying fits or anything! Joel was a natural especially for saying "sooo how do we do this?" right before putting her in there. After, we wrapped her up in a super cute shark towel and brought her into the room to put on her nighttime deal & she gave me a face I knew all too well- but completely paralyzed me... And took a huge liquidy poop all over the towel seeping through onto my jeans. We just laughed, grabbed the camera for the memories and brought her back in for another quick rinse down. She passed out immediately after. Home girl was RELAXED. Lesson learned for us.

Joel got a sweet promotion but it still comes with the nasty tasks like covering the staff's duties- that he manages- if one quits or does not show. Last night we decided to run a paper route together as a family that he was rearranging for a future carrier. It was a big one so I brought the pump and a bottle along just in case sleeping beauty woke up and was hungry. I pumped in the car because I was hurting from how full the ladies were. I sat in the back seat with Ezraa and once done- without discussing it with Joel gave her the bottle to see what she would do. She laid in the carseat with it in her mouth but it just instantly put her to sleep. She didn't suck once. It didn't surprise me because she won't take a pacifier either. I figured- eh, it was worth a try.

We were planning on giving her the bottle next week- I can stress about it then. When we got home she was up and ready to eat. My breast were so sore from the days long feedings so I reached at one last attempt. BOOM. She took to it like a champ. She was almost a little greedy with it- at one point grunting with frustration that enough was not coming out- which later was just her fighting sleep. I was so happy with her killing the bottle. Later this morning I breastfed her and she took perfectly to it per usual. ( some people say introducing a bottle too soon can disrupt a latch with breastfeeding) but she was on point with everything and roles with the punches. She has made being a parent so much fun and easy so far. I am fascinated by her personality and daily growth both physically and developmentally.

I am obsessed with my girl and swell with pride at things no one cares about. I suppose that's being a momma.

Also, my bald child is sloooowly growing hairs!!! :) monk- too!!

I am a mother.

Well. It is there in print. Here on my chest, in little squeals, to remind me. I am a mother. I have a daughter. The proud and overwhelming cry sessions still haven't stopped. I look at her laying on Joel's chest asleep and cant believe how lucky I am. I have a family. I made that beautiful innocent baby and she couldn't be anymore amazing.

My love for her grows daily and I am becoming an expert on my girl. It amazes me, the communication gap that is prevalent yet- a deeper level of understanding we are getting up on. It has taken us a few nights to figure out her ways. Why won't she latch? Probably the diaper or or gas- working on something.

A clean diaper = a clean feed.

Breastfeeding is going so well for something that was the last thing I invested my time in educating us about. My neighbor Mary came through with a fantastic book on breastfeeding- from general information to pumping to tricks. She also gave me a hand pump which I began using a few nights ago after I feed her. She loaded me up with glass bottles and caps and I invested in Modela storage containers. Our freezer is beginning its stock pile. We wont be introducing the bottle to her for a few more weeks because we want a secure latch and commitment to the breast but as much as I love and respect the bond that Ezraav and I have-- I am looking forward to Joel enjoying feeding her and feeling that bond. (not to mention sleeping through a feed)

In the beginning I was a bit frustrated with having to be up all night feeding her and changing her diapers too. --Looking over to an exhausted and sound asleep Joel. Not to mention literally being with her/the non stop pampering (with the exception for an hour and a half) since the day she was born. But he has picked up his game without me saying a word and has taught me a thing or two about what she needs. There were nights where she just rooted and grunted but wouldn't latch. I would cry with frustration and helplessness and he would take her. Burp or change her- problem solved. I felt stupid like " Why couldn't I see something so clear". But I was so consumed with her being fed that his outside perspective made for a perfect team for a happy EZ.

With hormone changes my body is going through amazing and fast paced changes. It has left me with massive weight loss and migraines. No matter how easy I take it- well I eat- the fact is the hormone shifts can cause migraines. I had a mega reality check when I had to care for her when I was losing vision in my right eye- pounding skull and vomiting - by myself all day. I had never even considered being sick and having to care for a baby. It was so difficult and trying.
But the amazing thing about labor is once you experience that level of pain and acknowledge the fact that you conquered it- survived it. The life pains suddenly aren't so bad. Some how it is the universe saying you went through this- this isn't so bad.

Ezraa has been for the most part a very very easy infant. The usual-- calm demeanor and sleep, poop routine. But today both Joel and I noticed major developmental growth & as silly as it is it impresses me - even though it is so minuscule and normal. She is grasping things now with control- a stray diaper...grabbing it and throwing it. She also is finding my nipple without me having to guide her head there. She is adjusting her body when uncomfortable and using her hand/tell-signs when she wants to eat before she attempts to cry. I am very happy with the choice not to swaddle because it has proven to be an effective way for her to communicate with me. She is also very trusting and content in almost any position.

6 days in...

I suppose it is easiest to start here- at this moment and work my way back to the birth- as what I have learned in the 6 days that have passed and amount of processing it has taken- has changed my perspective a bit on the birth.

*I would like to give a shout out to Pat, Alexis, Janeen, & Meghan for sharing their births and pregnancy rides with me. All of them were completely different and were a combined version on mine. I used little things they told me, advice, and even adopted mindsets to prepare- push through- and recover/cope with the aftermath of what I can only describe as the most brutal physical and emotional roller coaster ride that is - labor and delivery. So, I humbly thank you ladies for all the advice and support through a bond that we all now share. Warrior women. It is kind of like we also adopted a level of wisdom derived from instant instinct -that was also birthed when our babies were. I tried to describe it much like mental filters being removed from my head- changing the way I see everything now. Joel put it out there when describing what our bodies go through... "I don't see why the Marines aren't mothers because that is the most brutal, tough, and warrior-like thing I have ever seen. You can do anything now that you did that." He is absolutely blown away by my performance- as I can imagine your dudes were too. It is nice to acquire their respect through birth isn't it? Anyway- we rule and you guys are always in my thoughts and a part of this birth story because you shared yours with me.*

I have got a mind swirling with feelings and thoughts on this ride- Baby squealing away on ol' lefty, cat purring at my feet, and my man to my right snoring - as I lay awake feeding- for what will probably be hours. She feeds in longer increments now- combined with daytime spurts of milk-drunk pass outs that take some effort of pissing her off to wake her from. It is much like throwing your drunk roommate in a cold shower- deal- to wake the milk zombie. Ezraa is a night owl and reserves her most active feeding hours when the world dozes off- and Id like to. The day feeds are about thirty minutes of in and out of consciousness suckling, squeaks, and grunts. It is not the worst thing in the world. :)))

So far, I have been extremely lucky with the ease and effortlessness of the newborn experience. ---What a good baby you guys. I swell with pride when I say this. She is so sweet and calm and doesn't fight living. Her demeanor is that of what you would Imagine a Buddhist monk would have. Patient even in her frustration. It may seem silly to think they would be any other way but I have been around many newborns to know the calm she carries is special. As far as her first task in life- breastfeeding- she performed with grace. She latched immediately with little fight or frustration on my end. Pretty hard to miss those big ol Sand dollars I am lugging around. Eek! Everyday Ezraa is a little more of a person and I am enjoying getting to know her and see the progression before my eyes. I am so proud of my family and my baby.

I feel like in some way I deserved this easy breastfeeding deal since my last two weeks I suffered from a horrible pregnancy rash, PUPPP. (google it) that spread over my entire body. It is painful and beyond itchy and comes up in patchy hive like flares. Awful.

It is still clearing up and being treated 6 days after pregnancy. I wouldn't wish this rash on my worst enemy. The third day my milk came in and I have been super impressed with my bodies ability to recover from such a truly brutal battle. The contracting during breastfeeding was so intense at first. Joel's mom made a clawed hand in the air grasping and gripping an imaginary uterus. Much like a had holding a pulsing heart. It was a perfect example of how it felt when I tried to explain the pain. It took my appetite away and left me feeling like I was 12 again: Bleeding on boat-pads in unattractive underwear and crippling cramping. Hello sweatpants. The only difference is an added bonus of a newborn learning to feed on a breast that produces colostrum and the fear behind that potent mix, you aren't providing enough for your baby- that helplessness and desperateness to just submit to letting your body do what it is supposed to to. What if i don't produce enough? How much is she getting? Am I feeding her too little? Why is she sleeping so much? Do I burp her after feeds? When do I switch? Why wont she latch- she just did and now what?

The worries and unknowns swarmed in my head as I tried my hardest to not feed into my anxiety. "Just focus on feeding her". Eventually my body answered all of these questions. Along with the combined efforts and answers of veterans, google, and books.

This is so hard for me to know where to begin- my head is still processing the event and I needed the help of Jami, Joel and my mother in law to help me through processing my own birth. All three had their own takes on the event -and views and roles. Hearing them recollect the birth through discussion was enthralling to me. Perhaps it is because much of my actual experience was so internal that I was completely detached from the reality and soberness of what really took place a lot like a night of heavy partying that involves that entire next days of flashes of the night before- slowly piecing together what happened. So hearing them all tell me what happened- was such a treat. For such a sober natural event my mind was anything but that. I hallucinated and escaped into deep space nine- literally at one point space- from the pain/pleasure. Yes, pleasure- I'll be getting to that.

Story soon...

Ezraa Valen Tynes