6 days in...

I suppose it is easiest to start here- at this moment and work my way back to the birth- as what I have learned in the 6 days that have passed and amount of processing it has taken- has changed my perspective a bit on the birth.

*I would like to give a shout out to Pat, Alexis, Janeen, & Meghan for sharing their births and pregnancy rides with me. All of them were completely different and were a combined version on mine. I used little things they told me, advice, and even adopted mindsets to prepare- push through- and recover/cope with the aftermath of what I can only describe as the most brutal physical and emotional roller coaster ride that is - labor and delivery. So, I humbly thank you ladies for all the advice and support through a bond that we all now share. Warrior women. It is kind of like we also adopted a level of wisdom derived from instant instinct -that was also birthed when our babies were. I tried to describe it much like mental filters being removed from my head- changing the way I see everything now. Joel put it out there when describing what our bodies go through... "I don't see why the Marines aren't mothers because that is the most brutal, tough, and warrior-like thing I have ever seen. You can do anything now that you did that." He is absolutely blown away by my performance- as I can imagine your dudes were too. It is nice to acquire their respect through birth isn't it? Anyway- we rule and you guys are always in my thoughts and a part of this birth story because you shared yours with me.*

I have got a mind swirling with feelings and thoughts on this ride- Baby squealing away on ol' lefty, cat purring at my feet, and my man to my right snoring - as I lay awake feeding- for what will probably be hours. She feeds in longer increments now- combined with daytime spurts of milk-drunk pass outs that take some effort of pissing her off to wake her from. It is much like throwing your drunk roommate in a cold shower- deal- to wake the milk zombie. Ezraa is a night owl and reserves her most active feeding hours when the world dozes off- and Id like to. The day feeds are about thirty minutes of in and out of consciousness suckling, squeaks, and grunts. It is not the worst thing in the world. :)))

So far, I have been extremely lucky with the ease and effortlessness of the newborn experience. ---What a good baby you guys. I swell with pride when I say this. She is so sweet and calm and doesn't fight living. Her demeanor is that of what you would Imagine a Buddhist monk would have. Patient even in her frustration. It may seem silly to think they would be any other way but I have been around many newborns to know the calm she carries is special. As far as her first task in life- breastfeeding- she performed with grace. She latched immediately with little fight or frustration on my end. Pretty hard to miss those big ol Sand dollars I am lugging around. Eek! Everyday Ezraa is a little more of a person and I am enjoying getting to know her and see the progression before my eyes. I am so proud of my family and my baby.

I feel like in some way I deserved this easy breastfeeding deal since my last two weeks I suffered from a horrible pregnancy rash, PUPPP. (google it) that spread over my entire body. It is painful and beyond itchy and comes up in patchy hive like flares. Awful.

It is still clearing up and being treated 6 days after pregnancy. I wouldn't wish this rash on my worst enemy. The third day my milk came in and I have been super impressed with my bodies ability to recover from such a truly brutal battle. The contracting during breastfeeding was so intense at first. Joel's mom made a clawed hand in the air grasping and gripping an imaginary uterus. Much like a had holding a pulsing heart. It was a perfect example of how it felt when I tried to explain the pain. It took my appetite away and left me feeling like I was 12 again: Bleeding on boat-pads in unattractive underwear and crippling cramping. Hello sweatpants. The only difference is an added bonus of a newborn learning to feed on a breast that produces colostrum and the fear behind that potent mix, you aren't providing enough for your baby- that helplessness and desperateness to just submit to letting your body do what it is supposed to to. What if i don't produce enough? How much is she getting? Am I feeding her too little? Why is she sleeping so much? Do I burp her after feeds? When do I switch? Why wont she latch- she just did and now what?

The worries and unknowns swarmed in my head as I tried my hardest to not feed into my anxiety. "Just focus on feeding her". Eventually my body answered all of these questions. Along with the combined efforts and answers of veterans, google, and books.

This is so hard for me to know where to begin- my head is still processing the event and I needed the help of Jami, Joel and my mother in law to help me through processing my own birth. All three had their own takes on the event -and views and roles. Hearing them recollect the birth through discussion was enthralling to me. Perhaps it is because much of my actual experience was so internal that I was completely detached from the reality and soberness of what really took place a lot like a night of heavy partying that involves that entire next days of flashes of the night before- slowly piecing together what happened. So hearing them all tell me what happened- was such a treat. For such a sober natural event my mind was anything but that. I hallucinated and escaped into deep space nine- literally at one point space- from the pain/pleasure. Yes, pleasure- I'll be getting to that.

Story soon...