I suppose it is easiest to start here- at this moment and work my way back to the birth- as what I have learned in the 6 days that have passed and amount of processing it has taken- has changed my perspective a bit on the birth.
*I would like to give a shout out to Pat, Alexis, Janeen, & Meghan for sharing their births and pregnancy rides with me. All of them were completely different and were a combined version on mine. I used little things they told me, advice, and even adopted mindsets to prepare- push through- and recover/cope with the aftermath of what I can only describe as the most brutal physical and emotional roller coaster ride that is - labor and delivery. So, I humbly thank you ladies for all the advice and support through a bond that we all now share. Warrior women. It is kind of like we also adopted a level of wisdom derived from instant instinct -that was also birthed when our babies were. I tried to describe it much like mental filters being removed from my head- changing the way I see everything now. Joel put it out there when describing what our bodies go through... "I don't see why the Marines aren't mothers because that is the most brutal, tough, and warrior-like thing I have ever seen. You can do anything now that you did that." He is absolutely blown away by my performance- as I can imagine your dudes were too. It is nice to acquire their respect through birth isn't it? Anyway- we rule and you guys are always in my thoughts and a part of this birth story because you shared yours with me.*
I have got a mind swirling with feelings and thoughts on this ride- Baby squealing away on ol' lefty, cat purring at my feet, and my man to my right snoring - as I lay awake feeding- for what will probably be hours. She feeds in longer increments now- combined with daytime spurts of milk-drunk pass outs that take some effort of pissing her off to wake her from. It is much like throwing your drunk roommate in a cold shower- deal- to wake the milk zombie. Ezraa is a night owl and reserves her most active feeding hours when the world dozes off- and Id like to. The day feeds are about thirty minutes of in and out of consciousness suckling, squeaks, and grunts. It is not the worst thing in the world. :)))
So far, I have been extremely lucky with the ease and effortlessness of the newborn experience. ---What a good baby you guys. I swell with pride when I say this. She is so sweet and calm and doesn't fight living. Her demeanor is that of what you would Imagine a Buddhist monk would have. Patient even in her frustration. It may seem silly to think they would be any other way but I have been around many newborns to know the calm she carries is special. As far as her first task in life- breastfeeding- she performed with grace. She latched immediately with little fight or frustration on my end. Pretty hard to miss those big ol Sand dollars I am lugging around. Eek! Everyday Ezraa is a little more of a person and I am enjoying getting to know her and see the progression before my eyes. I am so proud of my family and my baby.
I feel like in some way I deserved this easy breastfeeding deal since my last two weeks I suffered from a horrible pregnancy rash, PUPPP. (google it) that spread over my entire body. It is painful and beyond itchy and comes up in patchy hive like flares. Awful.
It is still clearing up and being treated 6 days after pregnancy. I wouldn't wish this rash on my worst enemy. The third day my milk came in and I have been super impressed with my bodies ability to recover from such a truly brutal battle. The contracting during breastfeeding was so intense at first. Joel's mom made a clawed hand in the air grasping and gripping an imaginary uterus. Much like a had holding a pulsing heart. It was a perfect example of how it felt when I tried to explain the pain. It took my appetite away and left me feeling like I was 12 again: Bleeding on boat-pads in unattractive underwear and crippling cramping. Hello sweatpants. The only difference is an added bonus of a newborn learning to feed on a breast that produces colostrum and the fear behind that potent mix, you aren't providing enough for your baby- that helplessness and desperateness to just submit to letting your body do what it is supposed to to. What if i don't produce enough? How much is she getting? Am I feeding her too little? Why is she sleeping so much? Do I burp her after feeds? When do I switch? Why wont she latch- she just did and now what?
The worries and unknowns swarmed in my head as I tried my hardest to not feed into my anxiety. "Just focus on feeding her". Eventually my body answered all of these questions. Along with the combined efforts and answers of veterans, google, and books.
This is so hard for me to know where to begin- my head is still processing the event and I needed the help of Jami, Joel and my mother in law to help me through processing my own birth. All three had their own takes on the event -and views and roles. Hearing them recollect the birth through discussion was enthralling to me. Perhaps it is because much of my actual experience was so internal that I was completely detached from the reality and soberness of what really took place a lot like a night of heavy partying that involves that entire next days of flashes of the night before- slowly piecing together what happened. So hearing them all tell me what happened- was such a treat. For such a sober natural event my mind was anything but that. I hallucinated and escaped into deep space nine- literally at one point space- from the pain/pleasure. Yes, pleasure- I'll be getting to that.
Story soon...
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Hormones
42 weeks. How I loathe thee.
For those of you close to me you know I had delusions of a 37 week delivery. When it passed I thought, I can make it to 40. And now, I reach my 42 mark. My hormones are finally kicking in full-force, with the help and recognition of Joel's positivity, it may be just we what we need to have her naturally. It is an increase of hormones that REALLY are the trigger ( trick) for labor. The real inducer. How can I tell? Well, I had a full-fledged daydream of round house kicking the midwife in the neck that left my blood pressure sky-rocketing. I have swollen and sores on my gums, sensitive nipples out of nowhere, and a awful itchy rash all over my belly. All signs of sensitivity and a rush of hormones. Can it really happen naturally? What a treat... oh, to dream.
The waiting has been rough, the toe tapping has been exhausting and full of pressure. My midwives office has jerked me around and left me with my hands in the air with the scribbled words "no control" on my forehead. BUT The best things about this is feeling the love through all the annoyance. I really can't believe how much support and rooting I have had.
I also think this sick sick joke is toughening me up for after birth. The sleepless nights, constant feeding, and unconsolable crying- feeling of helplessness and exhaustion has been tapped into and I am dealing with it now- with my self. I feel like a big baby- except I have to deal with myself. I am trying my hardest, truly, to suck up my constant discomfort and boredom- hormones for Joel. He does such an amazing job of leaving his work at work- coming home and being the "support dude". So, when he steps foot in the door I swallow my miserable sorrows and urges to blab to him about nothing- as a thank you. Trust me, it's hard. :)
So the NEW new game plan C that squashes plan B that squashed Plan A: We call on Sunday to see if a room is available for us to take over. They will give me Cervidil and see what happens from there. I'm not holding my breath anywhere near my hopes as far as getting in there that night. Especially since last week they specifically told us they "don't induce on the weekends". We have been royally jerked around by this office -- told to come in and sent away with squashed hopes, left waiting, swapped from person to person and different things, not told my original midwife quit, rescheduled, and the list goes on and on. I am just happy that my body, through all it's changes and painful discomforts is still producing what my baby girl needs to camp out like she needs and providing a warm place for her to grow. I am happy to have my Joel, his momma and my family and friends constant support and love. I am happy that this can't go past Tuesday without holding my girl. I am happy to be meeting my baby- the wait, making it all that much more worth that moment I hear so much about.
I am at this point an overweight, over due, coo-koo lady that should be in the woods talking to herself- like Nell, from the movie Nell.
For those of you close to me you know I had delusions of a 37 week delivery. When it passed I thought, I can make it to 40. And now, I reach my 42 mark. My hormones are finally kicking in full-force, with the help and recognition of Joel's positivity, it may be just we what we need to have her naturally. It is an increase of hormones that REALLY are the trigger ( trick) for labor. The real inducer. How can I tell? Well, I had a full-fledged daydream of round house kicking the midwife in the neck that left my blood pressure sky-rocketing. I have swollen and sores on my gums, sensitive nipples out of nowhere, and a awful itchy rash all over my belly. All signs of sensitivity and a rush of hormones. Can it really happen naturally? What a treat... oh, to dream.
The waiting has been rough, the toe tapping has been exhausting and full of pressure. My midwives office has jerked me around and left me with my hands in the air with the scribbled words "no control" on my forehead. BUT The best things about this is feeling the love through all the annoyance. I really can't believe how much support and rooting I have had.
I also think this sick sick joke is toughening me up for after birth. The sleepless nights, constant feeding, and unconsolable crying- feeling of helplessness and exhaustion has been tapped into and I am dealing with it now- with my self. I feel like a big baby- except I have to deal with myself. I am trying my hardest, truly, to suck up my constant discomfort and boredom- hormones for Joel. He does such an amazing job of leaving his work at work- coming home and being the "support dude". So, when he steps foot in the door I swallow my miserable sorrows and urges to blab to him about nothing- as a thank you. Trust me, it's hard. :)
So the NEW new game plan C that squashes plan B that squashed Plan A: We call on Sunday to see if a room is available for us to take over. They will give me Cervidil and see what happens from there. I'm not holding my breath anywhere near my hopes as far as getting in there that night. Especially since last week they specifically told us they "don't induce on the weekends". We have been royally jerked around by this office -- told to come in and sent away with squashed hopes, left waiting, swapped from person to person and different things, not told my original midwife quit, rescheduled, and the list goes on and on. I am just happy that my body, through all it's changes and painful discomforts is still producing what my baby girl needs to camp out like she needs and providing a warm place for her to grow. I am happy to have my Joel, his momma and my family and friends constant support and love. I am happy that this can't go past Tuesday without holding my girl. I am happy to be meeting my baby- the wait, making it all that much more worth that moment I hear so much about.
I am at this point an overweight, over due, coo-koo lady that should be in the woods talking to herself- like Nell, from the movie Nell.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Welcome to Hotel Uterus.
Such a lovely place. But check out is at 11.
2 more days and it is go time. I have read a lot on induction- the pros and cons of inducing and the final stages of development for the baby. My body has been cranking for over 24 hours with the wonkiest schedule of contractions. Along with the inconsistency and peaks of labor- my mind is not far behind them at the same pace of thoughts. Over all I feel ready, welcoming the possibilities to come. I have tried so hard to listen, cater to, and harvest the patience needed for my body. My mom told me she labored for 3 days with her first baby. It gave me a little sense of hope that my cervix will eventually respond to these exhausting waves of pain and constant tightening. I lay here now- unable to submit to this. I am trying to let my body lead the way and it is frustrating to know that the unknown is all you know.
Natural is the obvious plan. I welcome it and hope for it. This has been my obvious desire since day one. At times I feel guilty that I am so eager to opt for a chemical procedure. Yet, this last month has been the longest month of any wait. Month 9. What a joke. And how long is too long to wait for your body to make its move before the baby is too big to deliver vaginally. Then, there is a cesarian. Nightmare. It is a delicate little dance between self preservation, preference, and desperation. But the goal, in the end, is to have a healthy birth and baby.
So here is to my body for bringing me this far, for transforming and performing with endurance and pure phenomena. I have under gone a true metamorphosis inside and out and know I will miss and always adore the process of creating life. I now look forward to, with continual unknown fright, what is next ... with watching my body shrink and readjust to new tasks and functions...to watching something, a living being, that has grown inside of me, grow into a little personality I will become in love with- more than I can even imagine. What a wild miracle it will be. It is beyond comprehension how something so common and ordinary like giving birth is the most special and unique experience one could ever live through- with pride, honor, and a sense of true warrior power.
It is terrifying and selfish and all consuming.
This chapter is ending with a great sense of contentment. There is no doubt I will miss knowing that- in me- she is protected from the world and the (at times) effortlessness of her daily survival is so close to its end.
Motherhood. The new chapter.
You name her. Pick out clothes she will wear. Paint her room- get books you and her will lay and read- Choose all these aspects of this persons life that you have never even met. It is a little obsessive and controlling.
Think about it. You meet this woman or man. You go to their home and they have a life set up for you slide into. I mean- clothes they would like you to wear. Books for you to read. They even have a shelf of books that have prepared them for relationships and problems and functioning- the what to expects of the two of you. Would you choose to stay in something so easy and cushioned? Leave with a smoke cloud under your heels?
Funny to think about. It is funny to wonder if Ezraa will ever know how much her living is all I have (never) always needed. As much as she needs me- I need her now.
As a kid I went through phases where I resented my mother for making me- bringing me into this world. To join her in her misery with my dad? To have someone else who could understand and relate to how unhappy her life is. Misery loves company? How selfish, I thought. How can someone so unhappy want to share this with a child- more so- expose them to it? Not try their hardest to be the best of who they are to make up for it?
My mom has admitted she wasn't the best mom. She was young and stuck and abused. In this, my mom is the most amazing person I know. She is honest and real and prevailed. I respect her regardless of my feelings above- mostly because I had no concept of her self sacrifice. Her stresses. Her pressures. Her life. Her love.
What I do look forward to is taking these feelings/ memories and using them- absorbing- reminiscing in the past ~ to apply it to our future.
The future. Here we go.
2 more days and it is go time. I have read a lot on induction- the pros and cons of inducing and the final stages of development for the baby. My body has been cranking for over 24 hours with the wonkiest schedule of contractions. Along with the inconsistency and peaks of labor- my mind is not far behind them at the same pace of thoughts. Over all I feel ready, welcoming the possibilities to come. I have tried so hard to listen, cater to, and harvest the patience needed for my body. My mom told me she labored for 3 days with her first baby. It gave me a little sense of hope that my cervix will eventually respond to these exhausting waves of pain and constant tightening. I lay here now- unable to submit to this. I am trying to let my body lead the way and it is frustrating to know that the unknown is all you know.
Natural is the obvious plan. I welcome it and hope for it. This has been my obvious desire since day one. At times I feel guilty that I am so eager to opt for a chemical procedure. Yet, this last month has been the longest month of any wait. Month 9. What a joke. And how long is too long to wait for your body to make its move before the baby is too big to deliver vaginally. Then, there is a cesarian. Nightmare. It is a delicate little dance between self preservation, preference, and desperation. But the goal, in the end, is to have a healthy birth and baby.
So here is to my body for bringing me this far, for transforming and performing with endurance and pure phenomena. I have under gone a true metamorphosis inside and out and know I will miss and always adore the process of creating life. I now look forward to, with continual unknown fright, what is next ... with watching my body shrink and readjust to new tasks and functions...to watching something, a living being, that has grown inside of me, grow into a little personality I will become in love with- more than I can even imagine. What a wild miracle it will be. It is beyond comprehension how something so common and ordinary like giving birth is the most special and unique experience one could ever live through- with pride, honor, and a sense of true warrior power.
It is terrifying and selfish and all consuming.
This chapter is ending with a great sense of contentment. There is no doubt I will miss knowing that- in me- she is protected from the world and the (at times) effortlessness of her daily survival is so close to its end.
Motherhood. The new chapter.
You name her. Pick out clothes she will wear. Paint her room- get books you and her will lay and read- Choose all these aspects of this persons life that you have never even met. It is a little obsessive and controlling.
Think about it. You meet this woman or man. You go to their home and they have a life set up for you slide into. I mean- clothes they would like you to wear. Books for you to read. They even have a shelf of books that have prepared them for relationships and problems and functioning- the what to expects of the two of you. Would you choose to stay in something so easy and cushioned? Leave with a smoke cloud under your heels?
Funny to think about. It is funny to wonder if Ezraa will ever know how much her living is all I have (never) always needed. As much as she needs me- I need her now.
As a kid I went through phases where I resented my mother for making me- bringing me into this world. To join her in her misery with my dad? To have someone else who could understand and relate to how unhappy her life is. Misery loves company? How selfish, I thought. How can someone so unhappy want to share this with a child- more so- expose them to it? Not try their hardest to be the best of who they are to make up for it?
My mom has admitted she wasn't the best mom. She was young and stuck and abused. In this, my mom is the most amazing person I know. She is honest and real and prevailed. I respect her regardless of my feelings above- mostly because I had no concept of her self sacrifice. Her stresses. Her pressures. Her life. Her love.
What I do look forward to is taking these feelings/ memories and using them- absorbing- reminiscing in the past ~ to apply it to our future.
The future. Here we go.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
V day. D day. Induction day.
Well the due date has passed and we finally have a REAL date to work with. February 14th, Valentines Day. I can not express the fade of previously expressed anxiety that was growing with each day.
I still have 5 days for her to come naturally- though I feel it will not be that easy. Every little pain or cramp I hyper focus on - wondering if it is " the beginning". Then, nothing.
I have tried every remedy, exercise, long walk until my body aches and burns from exhaustion. I have come to terms with it being a purely hormonal act that makes labor do its thing. I have been ( & maybe Joel more-so) extremely lucky to have not had the nightmare stories and scenarios many others have experienced & warned us about. Maybe it is due to my mellow hormones- but now NOW when I need them to crank up- they are sitting back letting me enjoy my last bit of to-do projects and craft days.
Apparently induction is no " walk in the park ". (mind you, my last literal walk in the park down from our house was beyond arduous and painful) We are also facing the possibility of a cesarian if my body doesn't respond to the petocin or cervadil. Im terrified of the idea of a c- section and more than anything the detached feel/ impersonal experience. It breaks my heart to think I won't be able to hold her immediately after she comes into the world. I am looking forward to the pain of labor and the most amazing reward of my life. I truly don't mind suffering through the labor pains and aches and increased pain due to the induction versus natural labor- looking forward to seeing what my body can tolerate and what my mindset can dominate.
What a treat it will be to have her come naturally- but my hopes are invested in Tuesday.
The game plan: we go in at 11 am for a BPP- biophysical sonogram where they take one last look at Ezraa and determine her approximate size/weight and measures baby's heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing, and the amount of amniotic fluid. Then we will go in Tuesday night and get cervidil. It is a strip that will be inserted in me to start and/or continue the ripening of the cervix. Usually they recommend you lay for about two hours until there is progress. Sometimes multiple strips must be inserted if parts are stubborn. Because it is not natural it is painful. Once and if it works or begins softening the staff then gives you Petocin. That is the real motherload.
This is an artificial version of the body's hormone oxytocin. It is given by way of an IV lineand is used to cause contractions. The amount of Pitocin used will depend on how your body accepts it. Generally, the amount is increased every 15-30 minutes until a good contraction pattern is achieved. Sometimes this is done in combination with breaking the bag of water.
Benefits: A bit easier to control than say breaking the water, because the drug can be stopped by closing off the IV line. This does not commit you to having the baby. It can be turned off or stopped to allow mom to rest or even go home.
Disadvantages: Can cause fetal distress. May not cause contractions. May cause too many contractions or contractions that last too long. Because of the potential risks, the FDA came out and declared that this drug was not to be used for inductions for convenience or scheduling reasons. So it can only be used if the Cervidil works.
Everything is up in the air and more than likely we won't begin the intense stage of labor until Wednesday. ( yes she most likely will NOT be born on Valentines Day.) But none the less. We have a plan and it is so close I can rest easy knowing next week she will be in my arms.
This is a magical thought.
I still have 5 days for her to come naturally- though I feel it will not be that easy. Every little pain or cramp I hyper focus on - wondering if it is " the beginning". Then, nothing.
I have tried every remedy, exercise, long walk until my body aches and burns from exhaustion. I have come to terms with it being a purely hormonal act that makes labor do its thing. I have been ( & maybe Joel more-so) extremely lucky to have not had the nightmare stories and scenarios many others have experienced & warned us about. Maybe it is due to my mellow hormones- but now NOW when I need them to crank up- they are sitting back letting me enjoy my last bit of to-do projects and craft days.
Apparently induction is no " walk in the park ". (mind you, my last literal walk in the park down from our house was beyond arduous and painful) We are also facing the possibility of a cesarian if my body doesn't respond to the petocin or cervadil. Im terrified of the idea of a c- section and more than anything the detached feel/ impersonal experience. It breaks my heart to think I won't be able to hold her immediately after she comes into the world. I am looking forward to the pain of labor and the most amazing reward of my life. I truly don't mind suffering through the labor pains and aches and increased pain due to the induction versus natural labor- looking forward to seeing what my body can tolerate and what my mindset can dominate.
What a treat it will be to have her come naturally- but my hopes are invested in Tuesday.
The game plan: we go in at 11 am for a BPP- biophysical sonogram where they take one last look at Ezraa and determine her approximate size/weight and measures baby's heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing, and the amount of amniotic fluid. Then we will go in Tuesday night and get cervidil. It is a strip that will be inserted in me to start and/or continue the ripening of the cervix. Usually they recommend you lay for about two hours until there is progress. Sometimes multiple strips must be inserted if parts are stubborn. Because it is not natural it is painful. Once and if it works or begins softening the staff then gives you Petocin. That is the real motherload.
This is an artificial version of the body's hormone oxytocin. It is given by way of an IV lineand is used to cause contractions. The amount of Pitocin used will depend on how your body accepts it. Generally, the amount is increased every 15-30 minutes until a good contraction pattern is achieved. Sometimes this is done in combination with breaking the bag of water.
Benefits: A bit easier to control than say breaking the water, because the drug can be stopped by closing off the IV line. This does not commit you to having the baby. It can be turned off or stopped to allow mom to rest or even go home.
Disadvantages: Can cause fetal distress. May not cause contractions. May cause too many contractions or contractions that last too long. Because of the potential risks, the FDA came out and declared that this drug was not to be used for inductions for convenience or scheduling reasons. So it can only be used if the Cervidil works.
Everything is up in the air and more than likely we won't begin the intense stage of labor until Wednesday. ( yes she most likely will NOT be born on Valentines Day.) But none the less. We have a plan and it is so close I can rest easy knowing next week she will be in my arms.
This is a magical thought.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Tick tock
The final month has been the hardest thus far. Initially, the anxiety of parenthood can be intense. It comes in waves much like the nausea did. I remember feeling so sick for months with no break-" ugh, when is this going to end? This HAS to be the worst part of pregnancy". I wondered if I could whip my confused and unsure self and relationship into a suitable state to raise a person without completely screwing them up. I wondered if eight months was enough time to come to terms- recognize with my inner sins and flaws and uglies enough to tackle them to be the best of who I can be for my child. Anxiety grew and faded with each new scenario I forced myself to assert.
As pregnancy has shown me- I had no idea what was to come next- the next phase far surpassing the previous challenge. Now, anxiety has hit an all time high and on many levels. I am about to have a living being who will need my constant attention for years to come- no break on being a mom. The thought bothered me not because I am lazy or worried I will neglect her but because I realized the possibility of loss. There are times when I let my mind think of what I would do if something happened to Joel. How a part of me would die forever and how tragically broken life would become. How I would manage to live- dependent I am on him right now. And -on top of that- think about (thanks to those ever so present nightly baby nightmares) about the possibility of something happening to Ezraa. The anxiety and imagined loss is unfathomable. Of course, you think- just don't think like that.. Focus on this or that. Easier said than done. Then the anxiety of how you will juggle the world and your interrupted plans around this baby sets in. What about your plans for that dream shop? Welding? What about your travel dreams and personal wants and desires. What do you let go of and keep for that balance of parent and self? The mind whirls.
I feel for my sister Nicole as I see see how hard it has been for her to juggle this issue as a single mom. I am beyond appreciative that I have had Joel by my side through this. Yeah, there are the little things... I wish he would have quit drinking and smoking cigarettes like we agreed on. I wish he had expressed himself and thoughts on this pregnancy more often- or walked with me more. But then I look at how he works 17 hour days and only sleeps three hours and comes home with that smile he has- always sweet... no matter how his day went. How he will sit and rub me and ask me how I feel. How he will sit and listen to me talk for an hour about nothing or my pregnant feelings before eating or taking off his shoes. I feel so fortunate to have him by my side- it has made this all bearable. I shiver thinking about trying to do this with previous partners.
Makes me appreciate how lucky I am- easier this will be with someone like him.
I mean- this is a perfect example.
I made the decision to delete Facebook for a while because of the intensity of excitement and understandable toe-tapping that I would "log onto". I found myself, the past few days, having mini panic attacks and not being able to breathe. Checking myself into to ER because it was so overwhelming. Not going out much- living my life without my usual ways has proven that I am not cut out for a stay at home life. I would log onto my little outlet into the world of friends thoughts and self-glorified lives and be bombarded with "Is she here yet"? "She should come on this day because it works for me". Baby?? As if I wouldn't let people know and just had a baby overnight and decided to post about Joel farting. No big deal.
With the already growing anxiousness of her unknown arrival, wear on my body, and inability to sort through rational thoughts and hormonal frantic episodes the toe tapping and social pressure threw me into a panic. Since i made the decision to make this pregnancy so public it is no ones fault but mine. No need to point fingers or play victim. So I decided to just regulate the entire ordeal- the little control I actually do have these days.
Even my mom called me worried why I did that- "It is the only way I know you are alive." I don't mind admitting why or the fact that the distracting pressure was just too much for me right now.
It just made me realize that I wanted to spend my days in a more calm atmosphere- and the need to be healthy for my family- mentally for Joel to come home to. I want to enjoy the CALM before the storm and simplicity of our last few days together as just a couple before we face sleepless nights and less time and opportunities to BE together. Everything is about to become more serious and intense. So I am being selfish and hoarding this time up and hope everyone understands my reclusiveness and want for such needs.
On an update note: I had a rough day today. Nothing seemed to line up quite right. I didn't sleep because of the week + a few days of constant contractions- Joel's 6 am work alarm snoozes- nightmares of dropping Ezraa or her not breathing.- whale tail body- etceteras. I went to my appointment alone again- where they expressed their concern that Joel hasn't been around and wondering the cause of my frequent panic episodes. I have to defend Joel in explaining that he works so much and hear them tell me they think it is attributing to my panic attacks and how important it is to make time together for one another in these last few hards weeks. And the importance of family and friends waiting to visit until a few days after Joel and I adjust as a couple and family. DUH.
Then after a pointless counseling session I am brought into an exam room where I strip down and put on my paper sexy suit and wait for over 30 minutes- and finally get dressed and walk out with my hands in the air like an asshole. They apologize for FORGETTING about me and strap me up to a machine because again my blood pressure is sky-high ( wonder why) and EZ wasn't moving a lot. So they walk out and the machine starts beeping loudly and the midwife comes in ripping papers off and the straps from my stomach. "You need to go to the third floor immediately." (labor and delivery)
"what is going on???" "Her heart rate is very low and your contractions are high. We need to monitor you down there asap. So I gathered my things and waddled to the third floor in a heart sunken daze. I don't even remember how I got there to be truthful- helpless and powerless I went into nowhere land from shock.
Turns out Ezraa is fine. The nurse put the machine on wrong and it wasn't picking up her heart rate. So that was a fun scare. They told me that It is a great thing that my contractions are so steady- it means my body is "preparing for the marathon" and is ideal. She can come tomorrow- she can come two weeks from now. It is all up to my uterus. So on Monday I go to get an ultrasound to check on her weight and stats. I will be 40 weeks. They will determine if we should induce if she seems in stress. Then at 41 weeks they TALK about induction and when we come in at 42 weeks they will schedule induction. SIGH.
There are so many possible what-ifs in this set up that I can't possibly be upset on the news of a possible 2 1/2 more weeks. She can come naturally- we still have a little under a week til her due date. :) we can go in next week and they can say- let us get her out- what day is good for you? (valentines day duhhhh) or they can say- see you next week!
I personally think once 40 weeks has passed it should be OUR choice to induce. But because the average first time mother is 7 to 10 days over due they prefer to wait. So is their reasoning anyway.
As pregnancy has shown me- I had no idea what was to come next- the next phase far surpassing the previous challenge. Now, anxiety has hit an all time high and on many levels. I am about to have a living being who will need my constant attention for years to come- no break on being a mom. The thought bothered me not because I am lazy or worried I will neglect her but because I realized the possibility of loss. There are times when I let my mind think of what I would do if something happened to Joel. How a part of me would die forever and how tragically broken life would become. How I would manage to live- dependent I am on him right now. And -on top of that- think about (thanks to those ever so present nightly baby nightmares) about the possibility of something happening to Ezraa. The anxiety and imagined loss is unfathomable. Of course, you think- just don't think like that.. Focus on this or that. Easier said than done. Then the anxiety of how you will juggle the world and your interrupted plans around this baby sets in. What about your plans for that dream shop? Welding? What about your travel dreams and personal wants and desires. What do you let go of and keep for that balance of parent and self? The mind whirls.
I feel for my sister Nicole as I see see how hard it has been for her to juggle this issue as a single mom. I am beyond appreciative that I have had Joel by my side through this. Yeah, there are the little things... I wish he would have quit drinking and smoking cigarettes like we agreed on. I wish he had expressed himself and thoughts on this pregnancy more often- or walked with me more. But then I look at how he works 17 hour days and only sleeps three hours and comes home with that smile he has- always sweet... no matter how his day went. How he will sit and rub me and ask me how I feel. How he will sit and listen to me talk for an hour about nothing or my pregnant feelings before eating or taking off his shoes. I feel so fortunate to have him by my side- it has made this all bearable. I shiver thinking about trying to do this with previous partners.
Makes me appreciate how lucky I am- easier this will be with someone like him.
I mean- this is a perfect example.
I made the decision to delete Facebook for a while because of the intensity of excitement and understandable toe-tapping that I would "log onto". I found myself, the past few days, having mini panic attacks and not being able to breathe. Checking myself into to ER because it was so overwhelming. Not going out much- living my life without my usual ways has proven that I am not cut out for a stay at home life. I would log onto my little outlet into the world of friends thoughts and self-glorified lives and be bombarded with "Is she here yet"? "She should come on this day because it works for me". Baby?? As if I wouldn't let people know and just had a baby overnight and decided to post about Joel farting. No big deal. With the already growing anxiousness of her unknown arrival, wear on my body, and inability to sort through rational thoughts and hormonal frantic episodes the toe tapping and social pressure threw me into a panic. Since i made the decision to make this pregnancy so public it is no ones fault but mine. No need to point fingers or play victim. So I decided to just regulate the entire ordeal- the little control I actually do have these days.
Even my mom called me worried why I did that- "It is the only way I know you are alive." I don't mind admitting why or the fact that the distracting pressure was just too much for me right now.
It just made me realize that I wanted to spend my days in a more calm atmosphere- and the need to be healthy for my family- mentally for Joel to come home to. I want to enjoy the CALM before the storm and simplicity of our last few days together as just a couple before we face sleepless nights and less time and opportunities to BE together. Everything is about to become more serious and intense. So I am being selfish and hoarding this time up and hope everyone understands my reclusiveness and want for such needs.
On an update note: I had a rough day today. Nothing seemed to line up quite right. I didn't sleep because of the week + a few days of constant contractions- Joel's 6 am work alarm snoozes- nightmares of dropping Ezraa or her not breathing.- whale tail body- etceteras. I went to my appointment alone again- where they expressed their concern that Joel hasn't been around and wondering the cause of my frequent panic episodes. I have to defend Joel in explaining that he works so much and hear them tell me they think it is attributing to my panic attacks and how important it is to make time together for one another in these last few hards weeks. And the importance of family and friends waiting to visit until a few days after Joel and I adjust as a couple and family. DUH.
Then after a pointless counseling session I am brought into an exam room where I strip down and put on my paper sexy suit and wait for over 30 minutes- and finally get dressed and walk out with my hands in the air like an asshole. They apologize for FORGETTING about me and strap me up to a machine because again my blood pressure is sky-high ( wonder why) and EZ wasn't moving a lot. So they walk out and the machine starts beeping loudly and the midwife comes in ripping papers off and the straps from my stomach. "You need to go to the third floor immediately." (labor and delivery)
"what is going on???" "Her heart rate is very low and your contractions are high. We need to monitor you down there asap. So I gathered my things and waddled to the third floor in a heart sunken daze. I don't even remember how I got there to be truthful- helpless and powerless I went into nowhere land from shock.
There are so many possible what-ifs in this set up that I can't possibly be upset on the news of a possible 2 1/2 more weeks. She can come naturally- we still have a little under a week til her due date. :) we can go in next week and they can say- let us get her out- what day is good for you? (valentines day duhhhh) or they can say- see you next week!
I personally think once 40 weeks has passed it should be OUR choice to induce. But because the average first time mother is 7 to 10 days over due they prefer to wait. So is their reasoning anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
