Such a lovely place. But check out is at 11.
2 more days and it is go time. I have read a lot on induction- the pros and cons of inducing and the final stages of development for the baby. My body has been cranking for over 24 hours with the wonkiest schedule of contractions. Along with the inconsistency and peaks of labor- my mind is not far behind them at the same pace of thoughts. Over all I feel ready, welcoming the possibilities to come. I have tried so hard to listen, cater to, and harvest the patience needed for my body. My mom told me she labored for 3 days with her first baby. It gave me a little sense of hope that my cervix will eventually respond to these exhausting waves of pain and constant tightening. I lay here now- unable to submit to this. I am trying to let my body lead the way and it is frustrating to know that the unknown is all you know.
Natural is the obvious plan. I welcome it and hope for it. This has been my obvious desire since day one. At times I feel guilty that I am so eager to opt for a chemical procedure. Yet, this last month has been the longest month of any wait. Month 9. What a joke. And how long is too long to wait for your body to make its move before the baby is too big to deliver vaginally. Then, there is a cesarian. Nightmare. It is a delicate little dance between self preservation, preference, and desperation. But the goal, in the end, is to have a healthy birth and baby.
So here is to my body for bringing me this far, for transforming and performing with endurance and pure phenomena. I have under gone a true metamorphosis inside and out and know I will miss and always adore the process of creating life. I now look forward to, with continual unknown fright, what is next ... with watching my body shrink and readjust to new tasks and functions...to watching something, a living being, that has grown inside of me, grow into a little personality I will become in love with- more than I can even imagine. What a wild miracle it will be. It is beyond comprehension how something so common and ordinary like giving birth is the most special and unique experience one could ever live through- with pride, honor, and a sense of true warrior power.
It is terrifying and selfish and all consuming.
This chapter is ending with a great sense of contentment. There is no doubt I will miss knowing that- in me- she is protected from the world and the (at times) effortlessness of her daily survival is so close to its end.
Motherhood. The new chapter.
You name her. Pick out clothes she will wear. Paint her room- get books you and her will lay and read- Choose all these aspects of this persons life that you have never even met. It is a little obsessive and controlling.
Think about it. You meet this woman or man. You go to their home and they have a life set up for you slide into. I mean- clothes they would like you to wear. Books for you to read. They even have a shelf of books that have prepared them for relationships and problems and functioning- the what to expects of the two of you. Would you choose to stay in something so easy and cushioned? Leave with a smoke cloud under your heels?
Funny to think about. It is funny to wonder if Ezraa will ever know how much her living is all I have (never) always needed. As much as she needs me- I need her now.
As a kid I went through phases where I resented my mother for making me- bringing me into this world. To join her in her misery with my dad? To have someone else who could understand and relate to how unhappy her life is. Misery loves company? How selfish, I thought. How can someone so unhappy want to share this with a child- more so- expose them to it? Not try their hardest to be the best of who they are to make up for it?
My mom has admitted she wasn't the best mom. She was young and stuck and abused. In this, my mom is the most amazing person I know. She is honest and real and prevailed. I respect her regardless of my feelings above- mostly because I had no concept of her self sacrifice. Her stresses. Her pressures. Her life. Her love.
What I do look forward to is taking these feelings/ memories and using them- absorbing- reminiscing in the past ~ to apply it to our future.
The future. Here we go.
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