All I think about is this moment I get to hold her. I've let go of the stress of gaining weight and focused more on the way I feel. School is frustrating & stressful & sometimes people make my head want to explode...but I find myself breathing slower and trying to practice patience. I am so grateful for the friends I have acquired and especially the ones that support me through this strange transition.
My closest friend, as cliche as it sounds, is Joel. He has been unbelievable. Friday morning we woke up and, ever so effortlessly, talked before school. Usually mornings consist of one of us milking the snooze button and the other stumbling throughout the house collecting whatever we need to accomplish our errands for the day. I sat eating a bowl of cereal and expressed how badly I can't wait to meet her. Joel, "me too baby." I told him in the same breath how scared I was to become overwhelmed in the beginning when she comes. The constant breast feeding and uncertainty. The fear of becoming depressed, a common symptom that runs thick in our family and many other new mommas. The fear of not being able to shower without peeking through the curtain every few seconds to make sure she is ok.
Joel is amazing. He just looked at me and told me he would do everything in his power to make sure I didn't get like that. "I will do everything I can to help you and give you the time you need throughout the day so that you can be you and do the things you want to be happy."
I went to my sociology class soon after and didn't think much of the conversation beyond it being an effective one JUST- Me worrying and him nurturing that worry.
Coincidently, my professor began talking about the Father's role in parenting. The traditional 1950's view that the father is the financial stability and disciplinarian of the household and those are his two essential roles. Then the more modern theories that a Father's role is essential in both gender's success throughout youth and especially into adulthood.
The Father's Influence: A study performed by Professor Norma Radin and her students at the University of Michigan along with a panel of distinguished social scientists chosen by the National Academy of Sciences were selected to also participate in these studies.
The more involved the father, the better developed the child intellectually and socially. The children are better socially and emotionally adjusted than children of noninvolved fathers and score higher in academic tests. The fathers roles were in feeding and changing (physical care), responsibility for socializing the child ( e.g. setting limits and play dates) power in decision-making regarding the child, availability to the child, and an overall estimate of his involvement in raising his preschooler. This study also expressed the importance of the working mother, two job households and equality in parenting roles. Children of father's who spent late nights out (even just 2 a week), work long late hours away from the home and display little responsibility for child-rearing were socially inept, displayed behavioral problems, and showed more anxiety.
I felt ease in knowing that Joel not only will display grounded and stable morals and values but display the support and selflessness that our child will have the gift of knowing/feeling/becoming.
The idea is that equal gender roles in the household are essential. Both display a calm effective way of communication while still exposing the child to conflict. It's okay to argue, perfectly healthy actually, but important to express effective methods. It made me feel at ease- as I know we will differ on certain aspects of childrearing. My biggest goal is to use the no "you" rule. Instead the latter, I feel...when...because.
Focus on:
the behavior instead of the person
observations and incidence rather than judgements
sharing ideas rather than giving
the AMOUNT Joel can process before stonewalling
-appropriate time and place (my biggest error zone)
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