Enjoying the calm before the storm

hey chubby pregnancy cheeks. 

Fantastic!

Late night doings

hilarious

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg0-T2IahdM

I wish I knew how to photoshop

because I could spend all day making these:

Q & A

Just when you think you can't get ANY bigger...

Almost everywhere I go now I get the usual Q & A's. 

I want to wear a big cardboard sign on my chest that says:

"ANY day now.

  Girl. 

  Yes, my first. 

  Ezraa.

  WORKING his ass off for our family, thanks"

Q:   Woah! any day now...When's your due date?

What are you having?

First one?

Got a name?

Why are YOU grocery shopping alone? Where is your husband?

It's amazing how much I am not exaggerating. It's the same questions.

The only people I actually enjoy/get a kick out of when it comes to stranger-interactions is black ladies. They seems to know what you feel right at that moment/find hilarious awesome quick comments that leave you walking off with a big ol grin shaking your head. I was at Publix, on a few occasions, and have enjoyed it immensely.

"Girl, GET that food on- you KNOW you want that Popeyes next door." "You all belly, lucky- don't you love how ya booty grows to ethnic sizes?" "You're gonna have a pretty ass white baby". or my favorite "You KNOW what works....*nodding her head for a long time with neck movements* and whispering...Speeeerrrrrm."
HA!

I don't know if I simply enjoy it because it's different from the awkward flow of questions during check-outs or what.

So I was talking with Jami on the phone the other day, when she and her lady ever so sweetly offered to bring by Krispy Kreme doughnuts for me, that I spend 40% of my day thinking about waffles.

In this, we thought it would be appropriate to make a pregnancy pie chart.

So I did. BOOM!

okay, I'm going to play with my nipples and do squats?

Natural Inducers, my belly.

"Natural" 

This has been my mantra, among many others...

*sneeze/cough* -  "SQUEEZE!" "Kegels" 

*unwanted comments/ obligatory Q & A from strangers* - "Smile through the hormones"

*krispy kreme* - "HOT NOW sign = keep on driving"

*the ever so many discomforts* - "It's all worth it in the end"

BUT

As of lately I am fantasizing about the beauty of Pitocin. Pitocin is a liquid medication that is a synthetic  form of the naturally occurring hormone- Oxytocin. Oxytocin is produced during childbirth and sex, usually. It's know as the "love hormone" and is what can be the biggest trigger for dilation of the cervix- thinning of the uterus. Before pregnancy I never knew either of these terms in a literal sense. Sure, I had heard of them but never thought twice about their roles in my life or how much I would begin to find myself wanting either/or. I told Joel (only slightly joking) that when I go in tomorrow I am going to request that they give me Pitocin) which I don't think they do unless you are past 40 weeks, ugh, nightmare. SO I just grow while she grows- an ounce every 2 days.

I have tried every combination of natural inducers for labor under the sun. (except black licorice, which I would gladly stay pregnant for 9 and a half months more- rather than ingesting & castor oil- because, well, I don't feel like peeing/leaking out of my butt for a few hours) 

Raspberry tea with pineapple snackies, speed bumps and yoga/hour walks, to the more hush hush nip stimulation/ obvious ways to receive oxytocin...and the list gets kookier. 

I have tiny spurts of cramping and aches but I wonder if it's just her inevitable gigantic Tynes/Kirkland head flopping around in there. 

All I have to say is all of those "home remedies" and people who say "try this"- it all was just what happened before their baby came. I'm certain that they don't come until they are ready. But this leaves me wondering- what REALLY makes the D-Day happen? 

Does the baby send out some sort of laser beam to the uterus in a beep boop bee boop manner saying she's ready? Is it a lack of oxytocin being produced, hence the need for Pitocin? It's not really "up to her"- more up to my uterus I'm guessing. Stupid handicapped uterus. 

What ever the case may be I have resorted to the fact that I have a camper. My little hobo has set up camp, pitched her tent, started the fire and chowing down on a can of beans. (insert pregnancy fart joke)

I have resorted to telling myself that everyday that drags along is another day that she is less likely to come out like a little Benjamin Button "Raisin monster" and more like a developed baby. Another day of her eyelashes growing a little longer for presto butterfly kisses and skin plumping out for maximum snuggling action later. 

So we arrive at the end of my, hoped for, 37 weeks and begin week 38 on Saturday of the BIG WAIT, A BIT LATE. 

-- if she does decide she is comfy where she is at- this is going to be the longest 19 days of my life- other than my days away from Joel when we dated long distance. 

A recluse's apology

Sorry I haven't returned your phone calls! I am so happy everyone is keeping in touch/checking on me and sending me love and support!!! I am a bit overwhelmed by it to be honest and will try in the next few days to return all the calls and texts.
As you can imagine, I am physically maxed out and have been catching up on a wacky sleep schedule I have developed and listening to my body as it begs to sleeeeeep. I have been up while the world is asleep and sleeping while you all are calling. :)
Yesterday I hid from the world, took a 2 hour bath and didn't turn my cell phone on or flip my laptop up once. I took naps with Joel and cleaned my home- thought about the fact that anyday now Ezraa will be here. I cried in the bath thinking about how we made this little girl who is about to come into this world and how amazing it is that I will have a daughter, a best friend, someone to keep me grounded- to teach and learn from- to share my life with. It was unbelievably overwhelming and I savored the moment and fact that she is still in my belly- despite my daily begging to come out.
I have been a recluse in this last month and feel guilty for it- because I don't want people to think I don't care about them reaching out. I just don't feel myself somedays and finding the energy to just return a phone call has been extremely hard. So excuse my horrible phone etiquette and I promise I will call everyone back as soon as I can.

Dreams and emergency doctors visits

Last night I had a breastfeeding dream- I can only imagine it's my motherly instinct finally kicking in. I have days where I walk around my neighborhood wondering how the hell I am going to pull this off. How I will know what she needs and provide for her the best I can and then some? I will tell you that if you aren't' a fan of analyzing the way you behave/react/treat people/view the world- that all changes when you are pregnant. I have forced myself to take a look at the way I talk to Joel- my cussing- humor. The battles I choose to take on are different. Before I would be upset at something small and be very verbal when it came to asserting my feelings towards the person or situation. Now, I immediately rationalize and prioritize the situation. Is it worth getting upset over (as now I don't want to be upset due to upsetting EZ in the womb) Is it worth having a bad day over or is it something that can wait and be talked about when the time is right? - more so, let go all together. Admittedly, I am bottling a lot of my feelings inside because I just have reached a point of not caring about them anymore. I just want civility and calm so I don't even bother communicating the way I feel/hurt over small things or ongoing issues that don't seem to be going anywhere. I can feel the surrender and know it is temporary and know eventually any problems Joel and I have will come up after Ezraa is less of a new priority and more of our lives together. I only hope that our baby will help us communicate in a loving manner and be the glue between any small hiccup controversy/tension that may/has been building. 

 The dream: I was wondering around an old vintage hospital with a birthing gown on. Bare assed and lost. Things were strange- as they are in dreams- and I had this "end of the world" feeling that overwhelmed me. It was a continuation of a dream I had had a few night before where the doctors were trying to tell me that my baby wouldn't survive outside of the womb and I was hiding from them in cabinets- struggling to conform my body into dark dirty spaces to protect her. Last night I wan't pregnant and was searching for a baby. It wasn't my own- I could hear one crying and I was running from room to room franticly looking for it. When I finally found the baby it was a beautiful little thing. I remember I couldn't tell it's gender and I didn't care. I knew it needed me and I had this overwhelming motherly instinct to care for it and protect it from whatever was around. I found a room that was comfortable and barricaded it in with old furniture. I sat in a chair and began breastfeeding the baby. It was the weirdest dream because I could feel the sensation like I imagine it would feel- the initial awkwardness and then comfort in knowing I was giving this baby what it needed to live. The baby was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I couldn't break my vision from it's gaze up at me.  I began crying because I realized that it was Ezraa and she was out of my body. I felt empty yet so full of a different type of life. The rest of the dream was very strange. She was sucking so hard she gave me a hickey on my nipple and I remember looking down and milk coming out of my breasts in strange ways and my boobs warping like some Macbook photo booth effect. I woke myself up and just sat up in a slight shock. How could I feel and know something so intimately and graphically- without ever experiencing it before? My knowledge of breastfeeding is limited to a book my neighbor gave me and it is the most intimidating part of this entire experience thus far. 

I have these waves of emotions that overwhelm my entirety as the huge question mark days drag along. I wake up sometimes (going to bed a 7:30 am and waking at 2pm) after my loopy sleeping schedule and am so thankful for the sleep. I'll whisper in my head, thanks for letting me sleep- in hopes that she will feel my appreciation. Other days I am restless and unable to sleep- sitting in the shower crawling deep into a mediative mode to tell my body it's ready "it's time". Even going as far as imagining my uterine walls are thinning and expanding around her head. I know it's silly to do but when you are in more pain in a day than you could have ever imagined you resort to these little strange routines and high hopes of that magical combination of tea/spicy food/ yoga move/mindset to make the magic happen. 

I will say it's much like a bittersweet birthday when your hopes are let down kind of feeling. Where you imagine this perfect scenario where the stars will align just for you and everything will go exactly as you planned in your head and then nothing. No birthday call from the womb. Just pee when you cough. Awesome. 

I'm still waiting and watching my body morph into this vessel that is not my own but my daughters. It's no longer an object of functionality and control, for me anyway. No longer full of sex appeal and felinity that holds power and control. No longer appealing to my lover or able to handle the growth of a baby even. I am literally busted. It is so  humbling and overwhelmingly hard to accept. 

Ezraa has grown so much in the last few weeks that my stomach has been pushed to the limits. I was contracting so hard on Joel's birthday that tears were coming out of my eyes- and I was not crying. The pain was so intense I could barely breathe. It felt like ripping in my lower abdomen and my stomach was a tight hard rock. She was obviously pushed into a ball and her head was forced up from the muscle contractions. When this happened my stomach muscles stretched out so far from each other that the tissue underneath came out ( like a muscle/tissue hernia) and was protruding from my abdomen. I FREAKED out. It was the most intense set of contractions and I didn't think much about it. When Joel went to work I went into the bathroom to relax and take a bath and rubbed oil on my belly. I felt sore and a huge lump that spread across my groin. I walked to the hallway mirror and my heart sunk into my chest as I had a huge discolored lump that had smaller lumps coming out from my stomach. AHHHH! What the hell is that?

I laid in the couch in a sweat, as I was about to pass out from the anxiety and unknown. I googled "lumps in pregnant belly- not baby" and "small lumps in abdomen of pregnant belly" anything I could to see a similar image or hear it was normal. The closest thing I could find was a thing called "umbilical hernia". The word hernia = guts spilling out of place -- to me. So the panic spread. I sent Joel a pic of my stomach and let him know I was very concerned. He was about to leave work- but it was 1 am and I told him I'd rather wait til the morning. All of the above I didn't know yet (about my muscles and tissue) because I hadn't seen the doctor. I made an appointment and got to see them at 4 that next day. LONG DAY OF NOT KNOWING. My biggest concern was labor. Would I need surgery or would it limit pushing? My mind was spinning with questions. 

When I saw the midwives they both assured me that labor would go as normal. They did however seem genuinely boggled and told me that they had never seen anything like it before! What? They pushed everything around and explained that any organs that would have been there are in chest or sides and it's all baby and tissue. They explained how the muscles separate with a sequence of hand gestures and fingers weaved in-between one another and coming apart and how the tissue underneath is layered and can come out when forced. I was relieved and was also happy to hear that my last pap/group B strep tests came back negative so we are OFFICIALLY able to labor at home. No meds or hiccups. WHOO!

As my body grows I am beyond impressed with the amount of strain it has been able to take/the complete metamorphosis it has undergone and besides the tissue protruding, (ew) has tested beautifully- coming back negative on all genetic/cancer scares/std/hpv/group b strep/infections or issues. It's been a healthy fully functioning machine that has provided my baby with everything and more for her to grow into a full term term. I'm proud of it and proud to be a woman and mother. 

Here is a pic of my weird ass tissue coming out of my stomach. It's better I had to icepack it and push the tissue back in and it is looking a lot better. The lines are from my pants but the bubbles are my insides! yek! and ouch!

Early labor alarm!

First of all, I just want to say how appreciative I am that everyone has been keep up with this wild experience with me. Talking with mommas, close and far across the country, friends, and family has been my rock during what could be taken as a quasi traumatic experience- oh, pregnancy. It is quite like being initiated and accepted into this elite club of warrior women who have both softened and hardened in the delicate balance that is motherhood. Their stories and experiences, most of all relations, have kept my head in tact and I feel a closer bond because of it.

 I've had the luck of acquiring Joel's family- who has extended their love and acceptance of me far beyond what I could have ever imagined. Granted I am carrying their niece, grandchild- but it was far before we were pregnant that they made me feel a part of their family and given me hope in a sweetly functioning family that I have craved for a long time. My blood family will always be my family, despite the austere moments, grudge ridden riffs, fights, and damage- but having a sense of how a family makes the choice to support each other so lovingly despite how different everyone is has given me great hope for the same in my new family we are about to have and I appreciate them for it.

NOW. Onto the juice.

After no sleep for a long period of time, for me, cramping and pain and my anxiety at it's peak all last night, I just woke up ( 3:30 am) from being in bed all day with a crippling migraine. 

I went into my midwives office alone because Joel was called in late night to cover someone's shift who was a no show at the Gainesville Sun. He came home as I had to leave for the appointment- laid in bed and then began getting calls to go back in to a labor intensive day. :( Not only does he bartend, but works about 5 people's positions at the Sun and is on non stop call through out the day and night if anything is ever needed. Not to mention that he is practically on-call now with me and Ezraa.

SO back to the ....I walked into the midwives office and went to the front desk. "Alone today?" the lady said. "Yep". ( In my head going, "That's kinda rude to say for several reasons... implication-station, especially because their ARE single mothers, people who work and frankly, none of your business receptionist with a bad wig".) She made a strange face that left me insecure and I sat down waiting for the nurse to call me into the next door. I was pretty nervous because I wasn't sure what was going on and now felt insecure that I was alone for some reason, not to mention that I was wearing this awful arrangement of maternity clothes that I would normally cringe at back in my skinny days with a pair of thick white socks that stuck out of my pants and shoes in a very elementary way.

I proceeded as normal once I was called back- the pee pee in the cup routine, the dreaded weigh-in, blood pressure check, roll of questions "Any head aches" "Swelling" "bleeding"?
I was brought back to meet the last midwife who could be on call for the birth and told the nurse/assistant about the "leak". She asked me a series of questions and said "sounds like early labor to me" and told me that it could last for weeks.
I changed into my sexy paper gown and laid on the paper lined bed, obviously not made for pregnant women, in an awkward-sweat... thinking about how our entire birthing plan (as wide open as we have tried to make it) would be crumbled before my eyes of she were to come before 37 weeks.
The midwife came in and introduced herself and my nervousness clearly signaled for her to lose the intro-spiel and just listen to me. I told her about the leak and cramping and she immediately began a cervical exam. She talked me though the entire procedure, which my previous Midwife didn't, and that was very comforting. Chris was just like wham-bam and if there were surprises you just dealt with the round of "oh and woahs and pokes."

After three tests she told me I had passed two out of the three. I had a little amniotic fluid under the microscope that lead her to think that the leak I felt was Ezraa, being as rowdy as she is, she made a hard movement and forced fluid out. She explained that I basically was in the beginning of early labor- that could last for weeks!!!---which means to simply take it easy until week 37 comes. Otherwise, they will have to try to stop the labor which involves experimental drugs and bed rest. NOT what I want.

She ended it with asking me to continue checking in as my cramping and contractions grow and that after week 37 "let the weird begin". (Which I found quite unorthodox and comforting for her to say. ) I am currently 35 weeks and 5 days so for the next 9 days I have to take it super easy and rest, drink a butt load of water and try to keep tiny EZ where she is. I am still cramping and having major back pain near my sciatic nerve. Since the leak I haven't had my normal contractions like I have had for months now- she's been a lot less active and curled up in a tiny ball all lumped to one side- leaving my belly to look like The Goonies' Sloth's misshapen head. I have just been cramping like I am about to start my period and been pretty uncomfortable. Her heart rate is beautiful and perfect and she is 6 lbs now- maybe over that a little.

I don't want my baby's first days on this earth to be stuck inside an incubator so I am trying to fight my urge to go visit with friends and go for long walks and nest all day at home- and take it easy for the next week. It's going to drive me insane, I'm sure.

Oh. ALSO. MY MIDWIFE QUIT. There are three on call but I have built my relationship with Chris. Today when I was making my follow up appointment I was like "Oh I have one scheduled with Chris already"...to which everyone's faces went every which-a way and I stood their going "what"???

"oh, uhhh Chris is no longer with us anymore. She had to resign because of personal reasons." I was pretty offended in general that no one let me know- out of common office courtesy and more-so frantic that at 36 weeks and in "early labor" I am supposed to be comforted by a new staff I don't have a rapport with- that didn't even tell me if I hadn't brought her name up.

I felt so jumbled up from the night of not sleeping, exam, early labor news, uncertainty, cramping, blindness in my right eye and pounding-growing headache and news of Chris that I walked in a daze back to the parking garage and just sat in the driver's seat for a moment to gather my sense of self back.
 bottom line -
I am the one laboring and Joel and our select birthing crew will be by our side- so I don't care who delivers her in the end. As long as she is healthy and alive I will be content. Plus, I figure I'll just poop on them as punishment. :)

So I wait!

36 weeks

one more week and a few days until "full term" kicks in. Is it too soon for her to be born? I'm concerned about her tiny lungs- and if she comes a week early, will it not be safe to labor at home like we originally planned?

IN A FEW HOURS I go into meet the last midwife who could possibly deliver Ezraa. This morning I had a weird "leak" experience which left me standing in the bathroom going "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" with my hands in the air and wondering if my water broke. I honestly don't know. When I checked it out it wasn't a pee experience. It was enough to know it wasn't pee but wasn't a "gush" like you see in the movies- which is normal & healthy.
Since that happened I have been cramping (like constant cramping with that period feeling). I am visiting my midwives tomorrow morning first thing to get an exam and see if my water broke or if I am leaking amniotic fluid.
All of the signs are there and now I am just waiting on EZ. My breasts are also producing "milk" now-which also left me standing naked going "uhhhhhhhh" to Joel. I wasn't sure what to do with it.
Ol' handy Google came to the rescue. Was I supposed to ignore it? I was worried about it building up and hurting. Then Joel read that the real heavy milk won't kick in until after the baby is born, the colostrum (what I am starting to produce) is the first food your baby will get and is the most important because it is full of antibodies to help her immune system.

Im currently cramping my ass off typing at 3 am. I can't sleep because my anxiety is overwhelming. I imagine I will KNOW when true labor happens because the pain will intensify. In the meantime I am here- wondering if this is the beginning. My concerns will be answered soon enough (a few hours) and I can return to the waiting game, either way.