Dreams and emergency doctors visits

Last night I had a breastfeeding dream- I can only imagine it's my motherly instinct finally kicking in. I have days where I walk around my neighborhood wondering how the hell I am going to pull this off. How I will know what she needs and provide for her the best I can and then some? I will tell you that if you aren't' a fan of analyzing the way you behave/react/treat people/view the world- that all changes when you are pregnant. I have forced myself to take a look at the way I talk to Joel- my cussing- humor. The battles I choose to take on are different. Before I would be upset at something small and be very verbal when it came to asserting my feelings towards the person or situation. Now, I immediately rationalize and prioritize the situation. Is it worth getting upset over (as now I don't want to be upset due to upsetting EZ in the womb) Is it worth having a bad day over or is it something that can wait and be talked about when the time is right? - more so, let go all together. Admittedly, I am bottling a lot of my feelings inside because I just have reached a point of not caring about them anymore. I just want civility and calm so I don't even bother communicating the way I feel/hurt over small things or ongoing issues that don't seem to be going anywhere. I can feel the surrender and know it is temporary and know eventually any problems Joel and I have will come up after Ezraa is less of a new priority and more of our lives together. I only hope that our baby will help us communicate in a loving manner and be the glue between any small hiccup controversy/tension that may/has been building. 

 The dream: I was wondering around an old vintage hospital with a birthing gown on. Bare assed and lost. Things were strange- as they are in dreams- and I had this "end of the world" feeling that overwhelmed me. It was a continuation of a dream I had had a few night before where the doctors were trying to tell me that my baby wouldn't survive outside of the womb and I was hiding from them in cabinets- struggling to conform my body into dark dirty spaces to protect her. Last night I wan't pregnant and was searching for a baby. It wasn't my own- I could hear one crying and I was running from room to room franticly looking for it. When I finally found the baby it was a beautiful little thing. I remember I couldn't tell it's gender and I didn't care. I knew it needed me and I had this overwhelming motherly instinct to care for it and protect it from whatever was around. I found a room that was comfortable and barricaded it in with old furniture. I sat in a chair and began breastfeeding the baby. It was the weirdest dream because I could feel the sensation like I imagine it would feel- the initial awkwardness and then comfort in knowing I was giving this baby what it needed to live. The baby was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I couldn't break my vision from it's gaze up at me.  I began crying because I realized that it was Ezraa and she was out of my body. I felt empty yet so full of a different type of life. The rest of the dream was very strange. She was sucking so hard she gave me a hickey on my nipple and I remember looking down and milk coming out of my breasts in strange ways and my boobs warping like some Macbook photo booth effect. I woke myself up and just sat up in a slight shock. How could I feel and know something so intimately and graphically- without ever experiencing it before? My knowledge of breastfeeding is limited to a book my neighbor gave me and it is the most intimidating part of this entire experience thus far. 

I have these waves of emotions that overwhelm my entirety as the huge question mark days drag along. I wake up sometimes (going to bed a 7:30 am and waking at 2pm) after my loopy sleeping schedule and am so thankful for the sleep. I'll whisper in my head, thanks for letting me sleep- in hopes that she will feel my appreciation. Other days I am restless and unable to sleep- sitting in the shower crawling deep into a mediative mode to tell my body it's ready "it's time". Even going as far as imagining my uterine walls are thinning and expanding around her head. I know it's silly to do but when you are in more pain in a day than you could have ever imagined you resort to these little strange routines and high hopes of that magical combination of tea/spicy food/ yoga move/mindset to make the magic happen. 

I will say it's much like a bittersweet birthday when your hopes are let down kind of feeling. Where you imagine this perfect scenario where the stars will align just for you and everything will go exactly as you planned in your head and then nothing. No birthday call from the womb. Just pee when you cough. Awesome. 

I'm still waiting and watching my body morph into this vessel that is not my own but my daughters. It's no longer an object of functionality and control, for me anyway. No longer full of sex appeal and felinity that holds power and control. No longer appealing to my lover or able to handle the growth of a baby even. I am literally busted. It is so  humbling and overwhelmingly hard to accept. 

Ezraa has grown so much in the last few weeks that my stomach has been pushed to the limits. I was contracting so hard on Joel's birthday that tears were coming out of my eyes- and I was not crying. The pain was so intense I could barely breathe. It felt like ripping in my lower abdomen and my stomach was a tight hard rock. She was obviously pushed into a ball and her head was forced up from the muscle contractions. When this happened my stomach muscles stretched out so far from each other that the tissue underneath came out ( like a muscle/tissue hernia) and was protruding from my abdomen. I FREAKED out. It was the most intense set of contractions and I didn't think much about it. When Joel went to work I went into the bathroom to relax and take a bath and rubbed oil on my belly. I felt sore and a huge lump that spread across my groin. I walked to the hallway mirror and my heart sunk into my chest as I had a huge discolored lump that had smaller lumps coming out from my stomach. AHHHH! What the hell is that?

I laid in the couch in a sweat, as I was about to pass out from the anxiety and unknown. I googled "lumps in pregnant belly- not baby" and "small lumps in abdomen of pregnant belly" anything I could to see a similar image or hear it was normal. The closest thing I could find was a thing called "umbilical hernia". The word hernia = guts spilling out of place -- to me. So the panic spread. I sent Joel a pic of my stomach and let him know I was very concerned. He was about to leave work- but it was 1 am and I told him I'd rather wait til the morning. All of the above I didn't know yet (about my muscles and tissue) because I hadn't seen the doctor. I made an appointment and got to see them at 4 that next day. LONG DAY OF NOT KNOWING. My biggest concern was labor. Would I need surgery or would it limit pushing? My mind was spinning with questions. 

When I saw the midwives they both assured me that labor would go as normal. They did however seem genuinely boggled and told me that they had never seen anything like it before! What? They pushed everything around and explained that any organs that would have been there are in chest or sides and it's all baby and tissue. They explained how the muscles separate with a sequence of hand gestures and fingers weaved in-between one another and coming apart and how the tissue underneath is layered and can come out when forced. I was relieved and was also happy to hear that my last pap/group B strep tests came back negative so we are OFFICIALLY able to labor at home. No meds or hiccups. WHOO!

As my body grows I am beyond impressed with the amount of strain it has been able to take/the complete metamorphosis it has undergone and besides the tissue protruding, (ew) has tested beautifully- coming back negative on all genetic/cancer scares/std/hpv/group b strep/infections or issues. It's been a healthy fully functioning machine that has provided my baby with everything and more for her to grow into a full term term. I'm proud of it and proud to be a woman and mother. 

Here is a pic of my weird ass tissue coming out of my stomach. It's better I had to icepack it and push the tissue back in and it is looking a lot better. The lines are from my pants but the bubbles are my insides! yek! and ouch!