baby blues

They are kicking in full force. Being pregnant has been an unreal experience. I can't express the connection between baby and momma that only you feel, and can easily forget or let it pass right by. I cherish those moments when I KNOW she can feel what I feel and think.

This last month has hit all of the stereotypical notes- emotionally. I had an uncontrollable breakdown last night that took my breath away and left me in a forced session of deep breathing to avoid, what felt like, my lungs collapsing. At one point I was afraid I couldn't breath in at all. Poor Joel saw it build up, come back down, and tried ever so calmly to snap me out of it. I just laid in his arms and sobbed until it mellowed into breathing whimpers. I felt like 9 months of tears, frustrations, confusion, fear of the unknown, and hormonal periods that I have missed all just came out at once.

I haven't been able to sleep in our bed for the past few weeks and reside to the antique couch next to the bed for less toss and turns. I stripped down, as sleeping with clothes on is just one more little discomfort that adds up to sleepless nights, and put my hands on my belly to rub Ezraa goodnight. I felt a strange little tear on my stomach and my heart sunk into my stomach. I jumped up and ran into the hallway and flipped on the light and stared at my stomach. I couldn't see anything. I went into the bathroom...grabbed a hand mirror and put it under my stomach, a place I haven't seen for months. BOOM.

Tiny light stretch marks laced the bottom of my poor stomach. I dropped the mirror in the sink- my face burning with- what felt like heat and ice. I walked back to the room breathless and just sat down on the couch with a blank look on my face and felt a whirlwind of tears brewing up. I don't remember what I said to Joel but I burst into tears- it was so uncontrollable and genuine. The only thing I could get out was "My body is wrecked". He hushed me and told me I was beautiful and always will be but I don't know if that's what I wanted to hear- I don't think I wanted to hear anything. I wanted to say so much but nothing would come out. Nothing but sobs. I woke up this morning feeling very blue. Not depressed, so much, but just void of any reason to move or, more so, socially interact- pretend that I wanted to smile or laugh at anyone's conversations or put on clothes.

The holidays were rough on me. I feel out of my element in so many ways and unable to properly express myself in an assertive manner about the rude comments and oblivious cut downs that were being shoved in my face. I have tried so hard to be conscious of my sensitivity and hormones that I have neglected/all together stopped standing up for myself when people say things that are rude. It's a hard balance to hold.

The stupid nicknames, the "you're huge" and pregnant comments -I've never seen you this big. I HAVE A PERSON INSIDE ME.  I have had enough. Even people joking around after I have put it out there that I don't like it- pisses me off even more. So you think calling me "preggo" in a sarcastic voice makes it ok? STOP. Christmas was really frustrating because I walk into my moms and my step bother goes- "you probably hear this all the time but YOU'RE HUGE." fantastic. What's your excuse?

At any rate, the point of that rant was to simply state that the past few months of verbal battering, not to mention whirlwind of physical changes and emotional weight has set up last night in almost a predicable way.

Shits rough. You can't move, put on your shoes, bend over, get up out of bed, hold pee, run- do anything you normally want to- the things that make you who you are, happy- are stripped one by one as the days drag on and your body slowly deforms and transforms into this vessel for this person you brew thousands of worries, hopes, and thoughts about- a day.

I know she will be worth it and I can only imagine that these feelings will only last on this site once we look into each others eyes. But it is what it is. You cry, you grow, you break, you heal- it's pregnancy.

and frankly, I'm over it.
I have decided to work one last shift bartending with my lover and call it a year- a year I don't look forward to celebrating.
I am going to hide and avoid the world until I am mentally and physically fit to be who I am in it- again.
In the meantime, I'm going to go drink a glass of wine.

love how they compare babies to fruits

MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY EZ

I am so happy you are inside me and safe, though-- I am anxiously anticipating your arrival and the day I can kiss your sweet tiny lips. I daydreamed all night about the holidays to come and how everything is about to be all about you. 

love, your momma

3 weeks to 37

Home girl. Come out.

Just putting it out there -
we won't be announcing the beginning of labor to anyone- calling people or allowing visitors while we are in the hospital- even when she is born and home for the first few days. I am going to wait a while before I let people come over to our home because we will be adjusting to a whole new world of NEW BABY. I don't want to be overwhelmed with phone calls and visitors when I am trying to acclimate to becoming a new momma. Learning how to breastfeed, resting after a rigorous birth, and most of all enjoying the new time I will have with my new family without people wanting to hold her every few minutes and overwhelming the situation with understandable "gimmies". Our birthing instructor encouraged us to "say no" to people- especially in the beginning. She made a lot of good points in that we are going to need to rest and settle into everything. The biggest thing she was saying is that if people do come over- make sure they are people who can HELP. Otherwise people who just want to hold the baby can wait. I have spent so much time preparing mentally for the birth/labor that I didnt invest much though into the explosion of chaos that happens afterwards.
Saying no- It will be so hard trying to do this with people constantly calling and coming over- wanting to hold Ezraa and pass her around. I honestly don't know how my sister did it. When Kira was born people were just passing her from one person to the next and Chelsea had little time to hold Kira initially. I think those first few moments after she is born are crucial for the connection between mother and child. Watching her birth has given me a lot of perspective on what I don't want during mine.
So, I hope people don't take offense in our choice to keep it on the down low- and understand that it is a very personal private and new time that we are going to be going through as a new family.
I am so excited, on the other hand, once we feel rested and comfortable with our new edition- to introduce Ezraa to the world and to all of the people who have been anticipating her arrival and rooting her on as the months have dragged along.

& then....

The day I wrote the "mental drop covo" blurb, that night actually, she dropped. I had three strong contractions in a row and an intense burning and tight feeling all over my stomach, deep and throughout. I ran to the bathroom and threw up and then, to be as polite as I can, pooped my brains out. I felt like my organs were turning inside out and I was at the peak of some food poisoning wretched moment. A few minutes after my meeting with the bathroom ended I laid back in bed- texting Joel that I was sick and not sure why. After a few back and fourths- trying to figure out what it could have been that would make me that sick in such a strange way and short period of time- I continued with my ritualistic belly rubbing routine of oils/rubs/lotions and noticed the craziest thing. My belly button was now inside my belly again and my belly was noticeably smaller than the last picture I had taken. I stood up and walked to the mirror in our hallway and BOOOM.

EZ dropped. 

This is about to be my life

wow.

 & drop!

Stop. Drop. & Yoga.

??? Day Yoga Challenge

Stop.

School is FINALLY done for the semester and I am able to let my body and brain BREATHE. 

I am looking forward to this next month, whether is drags or not.

I was so pumped when Ezraa went into birthing position last month after a few yoga sessions at home. 

But now she is in my ribs and its a tight little knot that leaves me wondering what position she is in? I went to a show two nights ago and the music was so loud and full of base and reverb that she was having her own little mosh pit in my belly. Towards the end of the night I could tell that she was scared or at the least over the noise because she was a tight little ball. It took over an hour for her to loosen up and relax- which I felt horrible about. I decided, for MANY reasons not to attend last nights Black Tusk show despite my craving for as many decent shows as I can catch before I resign/submit to motherhood for a few good months. I realize she has gained two pounds since we had the 4D sonogram but I'm guessing her fast paced growth has forced her into the little ball that she is and I am suffering ever so greatly as a result. Last night I knew something was unusual when I laid in the bed and immediately knew she was not in her usual spot. She wasn't having it, the bed is a no-go. I grunted as I walked, blanket in tow, to the couch where the cushions dip ever so perfectly to support my hips and large belly- just right. I passed out within the minute. Exhausted from birthing our last birthing class - my mind racing with thoughts of breastfeeding, adjusting from pregnancy to baby, goals for the next month and my extreme nesting- I shut down. I don't sleep for more than three hours at a time now. I'm sure it's a combination of my instincts preparing me for her arrival and the reality of what is to come- and me over active brain. I woke up at eight this morning ready to conquer the world. 

Drop.

They say that you "drop"a few weeks before the baby comes and you'll know when you can breathe easier. I don't know much about it but I have had a few "talks" with her to let her know that at 37 weeks ( that's a whopping 4 from now) she needs to get that tiny-hiny out of me and meet her makers. So it looks like I need to have a mental drop convo with her today and let her know that's happening whenever she's ready. 

Yoga. 

I now have time for this pregnancy, like I have been wanting for months now, to work out and treat my body as it deserves. This last month everything is going to stretch and expand to it's max as she grows three times her weight. As a result I am challenging myself to do thirty (minimum) minutes of yoga to help with the transition of weight loss once Ez is born & for labor to be easier. I have the will and way- so there are no excuses. Also, my friend who is an amazing painter is coming home from Spain for a while and has asked if she can paint a nude pregnancy photo- so if that isn't motivation I don't know what is!  This is her tumbler of her last painting to give you an idea of her brilliant skills- 

http://ellebasabe.tumblr.com/

cheers

to being 8 months pregnant

It's been the wildest ride imaginable & it hasn't even begun. I am blown away by so many factors that it would take too long to try to separate into categories. But I am thankful as hell to Joel for being awesome and my friends being the BEST. 

As the weeks close to a bitter sweet end I am astonished by how rude and stupid people act. It probably has a mix of oblivious in there but more than anything it's that I'm at a bar, working sober, surrounded by drunks. I'm taking it into account - but DAMN. The past few nights I have been called LOUDLY and rudely while I was fighting through a crowd with a heavy bucket of ice- "hey preggo - pregnant lady!" over and over behind me by a girl I reallyyyy don't like. I just kept walking fast and ignored her loud obnoxious slurring until I was behind the bar- where she continued to lean over it and scream it some more. I just turned slowly- I'm sure with the most pleasant of faces- and looked at her.
"stop".

I try not to be offended when it's my ladies because I know they just are excited but dang- I feel I have completely lost my identity in this pregnancy and become this person who people treat like a fair game...

Strangers!
"hey how many months are you?"
"8"
" I knew it! See I told you she was 7 or eight. Pay up."
" word. My name is Samantha if you care."

Eh. I'm pregnancy ranting. I'm saving Joel the thirty minutes of repeating myself in a high blood pressured vent session where he nods and inevitably just says " stupid humans".

Anyway. Beyond the annoying moments I have really enjoyed my friends getting into this pregnancy and see how excited they are to be around me while I talk about it and their want to be an active "Aunt". A lot of people told me that I would lose all my friends when I got pregnant but I have had the pleasure of being surrounded by rad people and actually acquired more friends that I wish I had known before I was "preggo".

60 days to go

& we are stoked.

66 days and a bike ride later

I got my bike fixed finally and went on the best ride of my life. Bicycle that is. I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to crouch down like I usually did before the belly occupant arrived & really get up the "hills" on a single speed. But OH MY! Did it feel liberating. I haven't ridden a bike since I have been pregnant- in the beginning too sick to move and later to scared to endure that much movement. Now I am bursting with loads of nesting energy. I ended up biking 8 miles and pushed through the lack of lung capacity I am used to functioning with. I can't seem to sit still and enjoy the calm. I wake up in the middle of the night and want to go for a run or re-organize the garage. I woke up last night with the extreme urge to clean the toilet and set up the car seat and stroller. A calmly sleeping Joel stopped the urge, as I didn't want to wake him with my crazy gestational urges.

This morning was a different story. We wrangled with the stroller and car seat- setting them up in the van and getting to know all the ins & outs of the buttons and clips and fasteners so we aren't freaking out later about it. I still have a few more things to set up in our/her room (crib) rearranging for functionality versus decoration and I think my nesting fits will calm. I'm hoping anyway.

As far as my body goes things are seemingly evening out. I can't tell if I am finally surrendering to the pain and discomforts or they are just subsiding. Either way, life is a boat and so is my ass. :)
I am enjoying being pregnant more than I ever have so far and haven't dealt with any of the real nasty side effects in the bum bum department. No scary hemorrhoids or bowl issues. I eat like a champ- lots of veggies, proteins, milk, and meat. No swelling or hormonal emotional fits. A lot of it is maintenance, I'm finding. Chugging water, eating right, staying active.  Don't get me wrong- there are numerous occasions where I sneezed or coughed and peed on myself- straight up. And I fart all over Joel and giggle every time it happens. It's just part of the deal. I DO drink some coffee which is probably frowned upon but I am allowing it and don't care what anyone thinks. They said I have diabetes but all you have to do for that is eat less carbs, got it. Done.
SO! Now I wait. I have a feeling she is going to come early- but I am prepared for the worst, past 40 weeks. The only part I am not looking forward to about the 40 weeks is what it will do to my body. I am genuinely terrified of stretch marks and have had numerous nightmares about it. I am not sure why- and I know they will pop up more and more- but ERH. I no want.

My light Braxton Hicks are now 30- 45 second contractions that give me the opportunity to practice breathing through them- I like the pain and get excited when they happen. In my head, "hell yes, I'm getting closer." They are happening during the day now- sometimes 3 in a row or three in a day. I am proud of my body so far-- its remodel of my organs and limited room for my lungs and bladder, the expansion of my abdomen and tolerance to the weight gain, limited mobility and aches.

all in all. I'm happy and I can't wait to give birth and finally hold her.

to be continued.

Birthing plans are becoming less talk and more of a real thing as the weeks creep to an end. She is in the birthing position, "Engagement"- already and my Braxton-Hicks are happening about twice a day now. I have spent many of moments daydreaming about laboring at home and our experience at NFRMC. The hardest part has been telling myself to breathe and take everything slow. School ends in two weeks and then my little scheduled world slows down and I have nothing but time to nest and prepare for birth.
Bottom line is I am going to be practicing making up the perfect birth cocktail. Three parts fear, preparation and surrender.
I bought "Birthing from Within" and have really been enjoying reading what's inside. I haven't respected or fed into any of the books that I have been given/bought thus far. They seem so commercial and focused on the 95 percent of women who opt for the plan we don't have. It and my doula/birthing-class momma have given me great confidence in a natural birth and me as a woman. My body is mine. This baby is mine. This plan is mine. I am in control of it all. I tell myself this when the anxiety kicks in and it helps me... I feel ready. I can't possibly expect to be told how anything will go or even more so "the answers" by any book. People can accumulate data all day and tell you about birthing but not about ME. I am basically going to have to trust my body and judgements. I am going to fight and surrender to labor and the throes of this experience.
I wake up some mornings and think..."What if I went into labor today?" "do i know too little or prepared myself for - the plan- too much?" The fear kicks in and I worry that I haven't mentally prepared myself enough. Women have premature births everyday. But there is something in deep in me that KNOWS she won't come out until I am ready for it.
I saw her in Orlando and it blew my mind how much she grew since I got to see her last. When I lay I see her foot poke out of my stomach and it blows my mind. There's your foot! A tiny little bump poking up from my perfectly round belly to say hello.
When she moves now- the movements are no longer little flutters or bumps. It's full shifts and major belly altering drags across my abdomen. The wildest part is the fact that in the next nine weeks she will grow three times the size of what she is right now.

I am so tired my eyes are closing involuntarily.

The mind of the beginner is empty, free of the habits of the expert, ready to accept, to doubt, and open to all the possibilities.
- Shunryo Suzuki

4D sonogram

             SHE STUCK HER TONGUE OUT! 

30 weeks 10 more to go!

  Watch this conception to birth video:  click --->  Birth

Ezraa Update: 


"Your baby's about 15.7 inches long now, and she weighs almost 3 pounds (like a head of cabbage). A pint and a half of amniotic fluid surrounds her, but that volume will decrease as she gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus. Her eyesight continues to develop, though it's not very keen; even after she's born, she'll keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. When she does open them, she'll respond to changes in light but will have 20/400 vision — which means she can only make out objects a few inches from her face. As far away as a mother's breast to her face" 

RAHHH!

Birthday baby

Birthdays are supposed to be a significant day where people celebrate you being alive, born...in their life. A moment of living silence in celebration to honor the day you came into the world. The excitement fades as the years progress and I have found myself forgetting that it is so close over and over. This year seems rare. Maybe for once because I have this strange honor of bring my own little girl into the world. I keep thinking. You will be almost 31 weeks when I'm 26. And the only thing I want to do is SEE what I feel such a close connection to.

It is stranger than anything I have experienced before- the want for her. I have wanted someone around when I am lonely, their touch and silly antics to enrich my day and heart. I dated Joel long distance for several months and I craved his touch and simple company. To hear him call me "sugah" in his nurturing way.

But this is a strange new want, that stems from so many places I have yet to analyze or even comprehend where it comes from, is ever so prevalent. A deep maternal animalistic place that is mine and mine alone. Protected and savored.

To feel something growing in you- a life that you rely on for reassurance and comfort- will be here in 9 weeks.

No longer protected from the world. No longer silenced or safe from a literal world of pain and risk. So- you begin as it comes close to this end of the cycle, to want her. To see her face and grasp how real she is. She makes faces and smiles in there. To keep her safe and revert back to a child who doesn't wish to share the birthday present at her party with friends.

So I can think of nothing more perfect than this specific birthday. I know I will never forget it because this present is all mine for this little bit longer. Sure she is Joel's- always. But this bond we have- how she always manages too move or kick when I need her to cheer me up- the dreams I have where I know she knows what I felt. How the only constant thing she has heard has been my heartbeat. That's ours.

So for this birthday I'm going to see her. We are going to Orlando to get a 4d sonogram and have one last little vacation together- as we are- before she comes.

Some people say it is a waste of money because you see them when they are born... Or the 95 dollars is too much money. And that's THEIR excuse they can have. But for me- to see her in me one last time is worth the drive, time, money, and shitty traffic in Orlando.

I can't wait.

whale sounds and tiny kicks

She ate good today

Ezraa & I went hiking today

We went to the Paynes Prarie State Park and drive through Micanopy and SR 234. I packed some apples and water, my Diana Mini 35mm, iPod, and my Kodak digital. I was walking the trails and saw deer walk so close to me it was like a dream. We just stood there and stared at one another for what seemed like five minutes until they walked off with approval.

 Today was one of those days where words don't need to exist and you feel lucky to be alive and a part of it all. I tugged my pregnant butt through trails and up swaying watch towers to sit and take in the earth. 

Today was good.

Baby shower, Proposal, Best day of my life

my heart is overwhelmed with appreciation for my friends & family.

oh. yeah. I have a "finance". - per Jayden.

Today couldn't have gone any smoother. The weather was glorious & people, well, showered us with attention and gifts for Ezraa. I didn't eat much and my nerves were through the roof but my friends rule and made this day smooth. 

HUGE thanks to Palomino for the venue, Kim Wells for my belly art, photography, and help setting up & Jami Forshee for wrapping the ring and keeping it safe- not to mention decorating and horrible balloon blowing skills, My parents- all sets and forms, for the food, presents, support, flowers and love. Thanks to everyone for the insane amount of gifts and help with setting/cleaning up, Avery and Jack- chicken salad and mind blowing presents (Ezraas poster!!!), the Duerden family for the food and company, ladies from Newberry making it out- Katie, Lorri, Lauren, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, brothers, sister Chelsea and her beautiful family, Meghan and Nick for their "since day 1" support, advice, and needed hand-me downs. Cate & Austin Lucas for making the trip and time, Amber and Aaron, Leslie for making the drive & awesome gifts, Joan and her cupcakes, Megan Maxwell! & Ryan- you make clean up a breeze and love your company, Gabz for making puff paint your bitch. The Mahoney's for their fantastic gifts! Joel's friends...the late arrivers and new family that I have acquired- Joel's family and cousins, aunts, uncles, and their sweet silly children. Tina, Matt & Karla, Tori Carlini, Mary for the knitted blanket, Bob and Ruby, Allison for the keepsakes, The Starkes...and the BIG hello to Adrienne and Veronica- we wish you were able to be there and missed you! If I am leaving people out- I'll remember eventually, I am exhausted but I am so thankful you came and shared your awesomeness with everyone & you made my day!