baby blues

They are kicking in full force. Being pregnant has been an unreal experience. I can't express the connection between baby and momma that only you feel, and can easily forget or let it pass right by. I cherish those moments when I KNOW she can feel what I feel and think.

This last month has hit all of the stereotypical notes- emotionally. I had an uncontrollable breakdown last night that took my breath away and left me in a forced session of deep breathing to avoid, what felt like, my lungs collapsing. At one point I was afraid I couldn't breath in at all. Poor Joel saw it build up, come back down, and tried ever so calmly to snap me out of it. I just laid in his arms and sobbed until it mellowed into breathing whimpers. I felt like 9 months of tears, frustrations, confusion, fear of the unknown, and hormonal periods that I have missed all just came out at once.

I haven't been able to sleep in our bed for the past few weeks and reside to the antique couch next to the bed for less toss and turns. I stripped down, as sleeping with clothes on is just one more little discomfort that adds up to sleepless nights, and put my hands on my belly to rub Ezraa goodnight. I felt a strange little tear on my stomach and my heart sunk into my stomach. I jumped up and ran into the hallway and flipped on the light and stared at my stomach. I couldn't see anything. I went into the bathroom...grabbed a hand mirror and put it under my stomach, a place I haven't seen for months. BOOM.

Tiny light stretch marks laced the bottom of my poor stomach. I dropped the mirror in the sink- my face burning with- what felt like heat and ice. I walked back to the room breathless and just sat down on the couch with a blank look on my face and felt a whirlwind of tears brewing up. I don't remember what I said to Joel but I burst into tears- it was so uncontrollable and genuine. The only thing I could get out was "My body is wrecked". He hushed me and told me I was beautiful and always will be but I don't know if that's what I wanted to hear- I don't think I wanted to hear anything. I wanted to say so much but nothing would come out. Nothing but sobs. I woke up this morning feeling very blue. Not depressed, so much, but just void of any reason to move or, more so, socially interact- pretend that I wanted to smile or laugh at anyone's conversations or put on clothes.

The holidays were rough on me. I feel out of my element in so many ways and unable to properly express myself in an assertive manner about the rude comments and oblivious cut downs that were being shoved in my face. I have tried so hard to be conscious of my sensitivity and hormones that I have neglected/all together stopped standing up for myself when people say things that are rude. It's a hard balance to hold.

The stupid nicknames, the "you're huge" and pregnant comments -I've never seen you this big. I HAVE A PERSON INSIDE ME.  I have had enough. Even people joking around after I have put it out there that I don't like it- pisses me off even more. So you think calling me "preggo" in a sarcastic voice makes it ok? STOP. Christmas was really frustrating because I walk into my moms and my step bother goes- "you probably hear this all the time but YOU'RE HUGE." fantastic. What's your excuse?

At any rate, the point of that rant was to simply state that the past few months of verbal battering, not to mention whirlwind of physical changes and emotional weight has set up last night in almost a predicable way.

Shits rough. You can't move, put on your shoes, bend over, get up out of bed, hold pee, run- do anything you normally want to- the things that make you who you are, happy- are stripped one by one as the days drag on and your body slowly deforms and transforms into this vessel for this person you brew thousands of worries, hopes, and thoughts about- a day.

I know she will be worth it and I can only imagine that these feelings will only last on this site once we look into each others eyes. But it is what it is. You cry, you grow, you break, you heal- it's pregnancy.

and frankly, I'm over it.
I have decided to work one last shift bartending with my lover and call it a year- a year I don't look forward to celebrating.
I am going to hide and avoid the world until I am mentally and physically fit to be who I am in it- again.
In the meantime, I'm going to go drink a glass of wine.